Another 21st of the month...

Another 21st of the month today. Another reminder to me of how much we would have liked to celebrate Rachel's milestones. My heart has been hurting so much more lately too.  There are so many things that I don't feel ready, or able to write about.  Even the little things have seemed more overwhelming.  At least the nausea is gone. I'm pretty sure it was from the stress - of wanting, longing for my little girl, and if I couldn't have her, a longing for another baby.  Quite a few people told me to just 'go for it', get pregnant again. But if I get so crazy ill just from thinking about it, imagining what it would be like be be pregnant again, how could I realistically go through this again without becoming seriously mentally and emotionally ill? Months of not knowing if I might have another child who could suffer the way Rachel did? I don't have any peace in that direction, just longing, and I admit, some jealousy of women who have healthy births.  And then I feel guilty because these are my friends and I have failed them because I can't enter into their joy.  I'm so sorry...I've been such a mess lately. We have started exploring some other options though, and I'm not ready to write about it, although you might easily guess what that is.  The nausea went away on the day that we started talking about it, which was a possible sign to me, that we were in the right direction.  I'm still feeling a bit crazy, just a little less so;) Praying that God would guide our decision making...

About the Radiothon interview - well, she (the interviewer) was Really Great...and patient. I definetly felt out of my comfort zone though.  I was willing to do it because I wanted so much to give back to the Rotary Flames House but I would really much rather just write about our experience!!:) They did some pre-recorded pieces with me but Dave is going to do the "Live" piece on Feb 8 or 9 and I know he'll do amazing job! 

We didn't make it to our Genetics meeting on Wednesday. (to discuss the latest blood test results) Our van didn't start.  I had been preparing myself, emotionally, and mentally for this meeting.  So, it was pretty disappointing.  It was rescheduled for this coming Tuesday though.  

Awhile ago, I wrote that I wasn't able to walk over to Rachel's grave.  I thought it would be hard but it turned out to be ok.  It was a really cold Manitoba winter day, windy. So we didn't stay long.  I know she isn't really there.  She's free! And healthy! And safe...and I'm going to see her again someday.  I wish I didn't have to wait, but one day it will seem that this wait was just a blink of the eye.  On the evening that we left my parents, we lit the memoriam candle we bought in Germany and put it on her grave. (My mom went to retrieve it later) Seeing this picture reminded me that we should start thinking of a gravestone....it's been a painful thing to think about until now. Maybe it still is.

  

Interview/Conversation for Radiothon

Hi! In case anyone is still reading....hee hee....it's been awhile since I've been on here!

Tomorrow Dave and I will be meeting with some people from the Alberta Children's Foundation, to do an interview for a Radiothon. (raises money for the Children's Hospital and Rotary Flames House).  They want it to be more of a conversation, which is great for me! But I'm still feeling a bit nervous about it.  I wasn't sure I even wanted to let people know about this. But I would appreciate your prayers. I do love to talk about our journey with Rachel. But it is alot easier for me to put my words together in writing, than to get them out in person.  I just hope I'm able to tell things clearly.  Depending on how it goes, I might let you know when that airs;)

So...after five months...am I still grieving? YOU BET! How often do I think of Rachel? ummm....pretty much all the time.  I am missing her dreadfully these days. In fact I have just come through a very difficult (mostly anxiety filled) week.  Alot of things played into this. But underlying much of it, is that I am still grieving. For the longest time now, I could hardly bear to see babies, let alone hold them. But sometimes I want desperatly to hold a baby, any baby.  It's still a pretty sporadic feeling. But yesterday in church, I asked to hold my friend's two month old baby and I stood in the back during the worship and wept.  It felt so right - my arms have felt so very empty. It felt like balm for my heart. And at the same time, it hurt so deeply because she wasn't Rachel.  Such a crazy mixture of feelings! What adds to the pain is that in the past month, I have had such intense baby cravings. And at the same time such dreadful fear of ever having to go through pregnancy again.  I feel nauseous, literally sick with fear, about it.  Sometimes, especially at night, I even think I am going crazy. And God seems silent and far away. I feel a bit afraid about being so honest here. And yet, I feel such a need for prayer these days.

This afternoon, I did some scrapbooking. It helped get me out of the rut I was stuck in. And brought on some good healthy tears. This is the picture I pasted in Abigail's book, of Rachel. It was taken roughly two weeks before she died.  Isn't she so incredibly beautiful??? oh, I miss her. I wonder what she's doing right now....and I wish so much that I could see her smile again. (I'm having a hard time waiting for heaven!)

In the Baby Swing at Dave's parents. Dave's mom thinks she was so happy because she felt like she was in the middle of all the action. The cousins were jumping on the trampoline just in front of the swing. She was SO happy in that swing.

One more.... I just saw this one again today and loved it. She looks so peaceful.

Honorary Flowergirl

My brother got married on January 1st.  (I won't say 'little' brother because he is 28 and he might not appreciate that) It was a beautiful wedding and we are so happy for them both.  Abigail and Ethan walked down the aisle too, as the flowergirl and ringbearer, and they took their jobs very seriously.  Afterwards, during the ceremony that Dave was officiating, I looked at the program and saw that Rachel was listed as an honorary flowergirl too! Then, I cried. I think they might have told us but I had forgotten and it was so special to see her honored in this way.


Maybe I'll go back a little bit. The first time we met Jill was at the Flames House. We were having an 8th month birthday party for Rachel and my brother asked if he could bring her. We, of course, said yes! And I knew right away, that I liked this girl alot. She was so personable. She wanted to hold Rachel. And she wanted to know what our journey with her was like. That spoke volumes to me.  She wasn't afraid of our pain. (or at least she didn't allow it to hold her back from us) How many girls do you know who have met their boyfriend's family in a hospice? From the very first day, we hoped (and prayed) that their relationship would grow because she seemed such a fine catch. And now they're married! And we are so glad that these two found each other.      
    
At their wedding reception, Evonne and I did a sister's speech and toast.  I mentioned some of what I just wrote, in thanks to her. But later I was thinking about how my brother has also amazed me, in his concern for us, and interest in Rachel.  What I didn't mention, because I wasn't sure it was the right time, is that both Kelsey and Jill came to be with us shortly after Rachel died. They held her still,cold body. And a picture I will always have in my mind is my brother holding my child, and weeping silently, his shoulders shaking.  My brother has a beautiful heart. I love this about him.


He also has a fabulous sense of humour, which came out alot in the stories told at the reception. oh Kelsey, you crack me up....you've always had this amazing ability to help us all look on the brighter side. And I'm so glad you're my brother!


What a great wedding! Here are some pictures.....

Aren't they the cutest?

Wishing Rachel could be in the picture too!

The Great Looking Couple (with red camera eyes....)

Since Tuesday...

After I wrote on Tuesday, things did get better. I felt the light creeping slowly back into my spirit again.  So, if you did pray for us...Thank-you! Dave came home in the afternoon and we started working like crazy to get our house back in shape.  And then on Wednesday, we tackled the basement.  I cleaned up Rachel's old 'night' room for a new renter, a daughter of our friends.  It's ok. I felt ready. And it's been a joy getting to know her.  She will be staying with us for four months. 

oh, but Grief is such a hard journey....so many ups and downs....sometimes it hurts so bad, and other times that I expect might be hard, turn out to be fine.  I hate that.  I hate not knowing when or how the pain will hit. But anyway...I digressed...

We made the other basement room into Dave's office/my sewing room/kid's play room.  And then....I dug out the Ikea curtains that I bought shortly after we found out we were pregnant with Rachel.....and I hung them up in that room.  I remembered how excited I had once been, to start planning a baby room for her.  But this time I could remember and it was ok. It felt right to use them and I was glad I hadn't given them away.  They hang right in front of my sewing machine, where I hope (someday!!) to work on a memory blanket with her clothes. Seemed appropriate.   

This morning I woke up with the stomach flu. So we are laying low. (or I am, that is).  I have been helping the kids with crafts (ones that don't take much supervision).  I am noticing a change in my relationship with them lately - and it is a welcome one.  Not that long ago, I shared with Dave my feelings of guilt for being an 'absent' mother - through all the unknowns and sorrows with Rachel.  And I wondered if my relationship with Abigail in particular was affected, damaged in a sense, by all of this.  She seemed to have so much attitude with me. (maybe more than the usual 3 and 4 year old stuff) And I, in my pain, would lash out at her in frustration. It was so difficult, parenting when we felt so overwelmed with concerns for Rachel.  We prayed about it together and I started to pray more specifically about it as well.  I would say though, that in the last few months, I have sensed her gradually warming up to me.  I'm sure it has helped alot that I have had more time to give her my full attention. While on holidays, we played games together and did crafts.  We sit and cuddle ALOT more than when we had Rachel too. I am not saying that I expect my daughter and I to be the best of friends.  I was a teenager once too;) And I am still her parent. But it has been so good to see the changes that I prayed for. And to enjoy being together. 

This morning I found her sitting on the couch, holding two stuffed lambs that we received when Rachel was with us. She said that she missed Rachel.  And that she wants a sister to play with.  And so we sat there, we two, missing her together. 

ok...i need to make lunch for the crew here.  Although, it's hard to think of food with a stomach like mine today...blech. Thank-you for reading and for your support.  Laura, if you're read this - that book does look interesting. Thanks so much for thinking of me:)

Ethan can be so very sweet sometimes.  Just a little while ago, as I was cleaning up the kitchen, I suddenly felt so sad - so broken.  I want my little girl so much.  I tried to muffle my sobs so my kids who were playing in the next room, wouldn't hear.  But Ethan heard.  With my second or third sob, I heard him saying to Abigail that he had to go.  He ran into the kitchen and said, "mommy? what is it?" I told him that I missed Rachel and he gave me a long hard hug.    

oh, there's so much more I want to write yet. It's been so long. We are just beginning our first day together just the four of us, after 25 days of being with our families. And I think with the silence, everything is crashing in on me again this morning. Dave goes back to work tomorrow too.  I thought I was ready - I have so many things on my 'To Do List"....but now it seems a bit meaningless.  Please pray for me.  Thank-you.

In Manitoba Again...

Yesterday we left Calgary at 6am and made the sixteen hour long trip across the prairies to visit our families.  Some of you said you had prayed for us as we travelled the same road we did with Rachel's casket four months ago! Thank-you! I think subconsiously I had been dragging my feet about going, because of this reason.  (sorry Moms and Dads!) It turned out to be a good trip though, laughter mixed in with the tears. We listened to some sermons by a pastor/professor friend of Dave's.  A reminder of how God's great power is at work in us, giving us endurance, and encouragement for the long road of life.  

At lunch we stopped at McDonalds to let the kids run. I watched two sisters play with each other - both about the same age as my own girls - and I yearned desperately, for a time when I could see them together like this too.  Then at suppertime, we stopped at the same McDonalds in Brandon Manitoba, where we had stopped on our last trip, with Rachel's casket in the back.  I told Dave that I just couldn't go in this time - and so we decided that I would go fill up the van with gas and pick up a sub for us, while he took the kids to the McD's playland. But then as soon as I stepped into the Quiznos, I was hit with other memories, ones I had forgotten.  Becuse this was the place where we had stopped with Rachel when she was alive.  I saw the highchair in the corner that we had turned upside down to put Rachel's carrier in, so that she could sit at eye level to us.  And I remembered the questions about her, the almost predictable surprised looks and expressions when we told her age.  I remember the nervousness I felt about driving so far with her, the unpredictable 'spells', but I also remember how good it felt to have all three of my kids.  And now our van seems so empty somehow, even though it is stuffed full with our belongings, and presents.  My mom said too that when we walked in, it felt that we had left a child behind somewhere, that we were missing someone. And we are...

Around 11:30pm, we drove past her grave in the night and arrived at my parents' place. It is now the afternoon of the next day and I still haven't been able to muster the courage to walk over there.  I know that she isn't really there but her earthly body is, and it is really hard for me to think about her body decaying under the ground.  And to remember the day we put it there. Dave went over this morning on his own.  I know I will go yet....but it might take a bit of time.....   

It's Been Four Months

Can it really be four months already?  It's so hard to believe.  I think I still feel a sense of shock that she really isn't here anymore.  I haven't had much time lately to write.  We have had a very full week here, with family visits! But I have been thinking of Rachel ALOT today.  Aching in the deep way that only a mother who has lost a child can ache. As I clean and organize places in our house that haven't been touched in a long time, I keep running into reminders of her sweet life.  Thank-you Father God for your precious gifts.  For your strength that carried us through the darkest nights. I have felt IMMENSE sadness today that I couldn't experience the joyful expectation of a healthy birth, but I give thanks for her life all the same.  For the sweet bond that I could know with her. And one day I will see you again Rachel!  oh, I can hardly wait... 


This is what I posted on FB awhile ago..."I miss Rachel so much today. It's the five (oops actually four) month anniversary of her death but all I can think about today is the day of her birth.  Bono said that "Freedom has a scent like the top of a newborn baby's head".  I think that's about right. What a lovely feeling it was to hold her and drink her in."