Rachel's Birthday May 21, 2012

We realize that Rachel's birthday lands on the long weekend - Victoria Day Monday, but for those of you that are around (and in Calgary), we would love for you to join us as we honor and remember our precious little girl. We will provide fruit & veggies as snacks. I'm also hoping to bake some cupcakes (I'll see how I feel). We'll light some candles and sing "Happy Birthday".

Please bring your own bag dinner, drinks etc...if you are staying around over supper. We will meet by the playground area, but we may need to relocate within the park if it's super busy that day....This will be a come and go event. Bring bikes for the kids, lawnchairs for yourselves etc...

Where: Prairie Winds Park, Calgary Alberta

Google Map: http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&tab=wl&q=prairie%20winds%20park%20calgary

Time: 3:00pm - 7:00pm

*And please let me know if you are coming, so we know how many cupcakes to make! Thanks:)

In honor of Rachel, we were thinking it might be neat for everyone to wear pink (if you have something that's pink!) or yellow (that's the color Ethan said reminded him of Rachel) If you don't have anything that color, don't worry about it and come anyway!

If the weather is lousy, we will have to cancel. Maybe we'll relocate to our house. We will probably still be in the middle of some house renos so we'll see.....but stay tuned. I'll update this the closer we get to the day.

I'm sorry - I realize many of you are not in Calgary and wouldn't be able to come anyway but i'm sending this invite out to everyone because I didn't want to miss anyone here. Also, I thought there might be some people who might want to remember our little girl from afar by wearing pink or yellow on that day! I would love to hear about it if you are:)

Thank-you for your friendship!!!

That was Weird #2!

A few days ago, I was standing outside Ethan's school waiting for his class to file out. I had a nasty cold, it was a cold day and I was really looking forward to getting home.  So all that to say, I guess I wasn't at my sharpest.....when another mom tried to strike up a conversation with me. We had met before - at a Abigail's preschool and have chatted a few times briefly. She told me she had gone to my house, that she had rung the doorbell - checked the back yard etc... in hopes of visiting with me. (I was a bit surprised - not sure how she knew where I lived?) I asked when this was. She said, "right after we talked about my daughter." (none of this is ringing a bell for me at all) She said that I had told her that I lost my daughter.


"I lost my daughter?" (I was so confused...I know this is weird but I could not make the connection from this to Rachel. I thought she was talking about Abigail)


What followed was a very strange conversation, where she began trying to convince me that I had indeed told her that my daughter was lost - and me denying it!


"When was this again?"


"I don't remember that."


"I didn't lose my daughter..."


Finally....FINALLY....it clued in - and I realized that she meant Rachel.


I said..."OHHH!!! You mean that my daughter died! I didn't lose her. She died."


Poor lady. She probably thought I had lost my mind.....


But that conversation got me thinking about the language we use to talk about death.  So often we use expressions like "she lost her child." instead of just saying "her child died." Why is that? I can't say that I have been too concerned by it before.  I have used this expression myself - many times, actually. I'm not saying that it is always wrong to use it. And I am not going to analyze this woman's reasons for using the word 'lost'.  I am saying though that sometimes it can just be plain confusing (!).  I obviously didn't forget that Rachel died....


I think for some, it can show a reluctance to face the reality of death - to really enter in to someone else's experience of loss. And I think we use certain expressions because we think it might be comforting or more respectful of their pain...because the other words seem too harsh. And yet...as a mother whose child has died, I am far more comfortable with calling things as they are. I have lived that harsh reality and when someone else chooses to step into that reality with me - by  using real language (ie. died, death) to talk about what happened - I feel a sense of relief. Because then I am free to share about how things really are. 


But....that's enough for today. I do have LOTS of thoughts on this topic but my family wants to go play at the park...and my daughter is singing such a beautiful song about her pretty mommy that she learned in preschool....and I want to go hug her....:)

That was weird....

I was about to floss my kids teeth tonight, when I saw my neighbor from across the street, park her car and start to go inside. I ran out of the house and called to her. I asked her if she had seen a package for me (long story) on her door for me.

She said "no". She was friendly. I had never met her. She told me she moved in about a year ago. Told me that she had to do a ton of renovations to make it liveable. She waved at the ground and said, "this sh*t cost me $1000" Can you believe it?" I wasn't sure what she meant but I felt silly asking and I didn't want to keep her. Plus my kids looked like they were about to cross the busy street to get to us...

And then as I stepped into our house, I finally realized what she had meant. She was talking about the sidewalk! And I know exactly what day that happened. August 5th, the day my daughter died.  I'm sure she'd probably be a bit freaked out to know that I remember the day. And even more, to know that I watched them working that afternoon, as I paced the house with my daughter's still warm body, wondering how life could go on outside of our house as if nothing astronomical had just happened....

Strange, how a brief conversation brings it all back.....

oh, I miss her...

Pink for Piper Day!

I'm wearing Pink today! And why you may ask??
Time is short here but I want to tell you a bit about a very special little girl. I met her only briefly -shortly after she was born, at the funeral for my friend's daughter.  (you might remember me talking about Abby) This family already has a special little boy in heaven named Drew. He had a mitochondrial disorder. And now their daughter Piper has been diagnosed with it too. They have been receiving support from the Flames House and they are writing about their journey. I so appreciate her honesty in what this is like for them. And I can't help feeling astounded, inspired, and deeply encouraged by their bold trust in God to be faithful. My heart aches for them. I think about them all the time. There's one picture that reminds us so much of our little girl - it brings back powerful memories of sitting at the Flames House, soaking in every smile, every response however small.... And I feel a strong connection to them even though we barely know each other. Would you join me in praying for their family??
http://clarkkiddos.blogspot.ca/

Sadness

Yesterday I felt so, so sad all day. I just couldn't get motivated for anything. Today it hurts so much it's hard to breathe. I thought this was suposed to get easier.....eight months later and it hurts as much as it ever did.  I guess it's good that Dave and I are leaving for Ministerial Retreat in Cypress Hills today....I need something else to focus on right now.  So, off to packing I go...

I miss having those soft little toes in my hand. I miss rubbing my hand over those tufts of hair on the top of her head. I miss watching your face break out into this most beautiful contagious little grin. It feels like I should be able to scoop you right out of these pictures for a cuddle. I miss so much.....we all miss you so much dear sweet Rachel!

Thanks, Grandmas and Grandpas!

Our children have the most amazing grandparents.  Thanks to both sets of them for sending a wonderful collection of Easter treats for them to find!  We'll send you the dental bill!

In the Mail...

This invite was in our mail a few days ago. At first I skimmed it, cried and put it down. Later, I picked it up again and noticed Rachel's name at the top and cried again.  I both want to go and I don't.  Part of me wants to be in a room with people who really know what it is like to have a child die and to deeply mourn their loss from our lives, to share our sorrow and honor our children together....and part of me is scared to go because it is going to be so hard too.