I know I said that my last post was going to be the last....but something happened last night that I want so much to remember....
I had a dream. At first it was just a bunch of crazy stuff that I won't bore you with, but then there was this part of the dream when it was me and a friend, a widow in our church, standing in a tent. We were each holding two balloons and I knew they symbolized our husbands who had both died. We were told to take them outside the tent. And we tried so hard. I remember how we would think we were at the edge of the tent and we would let the balloons go, only to have to retrieve them and keep walking....and the tent was so crowded that it was hard to see where we were going.
But then, suddenly we were outside. It is impossible to describe what I saw. Rolling hills waving in a myriad of colors of browns, reds, yellows. Beauty indescribable. The bluest sky ever. I had forgotten my friend beside me. All I knew was that God was there. And that was enough. It was like every part of need in me was completely and totally filled.
It was so achingly beautiful. And I think it was a gift from Him, my ABBA Father. October has felt like a sad month. It took me awhile to figure out why it has felt this way. Maybe because subconsiously my body remembers that Rachel had her first spells in October. A friend photographed her only a day or two after her first one. And the same friend did our family pictures this October. (a wonderful generous gift from a group of people) I love that they gifted this to us. It was a meaningful and a healthy thing for us to do. We included a lamb stuffy as a reminder that Rachel is still a part of us. I don't regret doing them at all - but I think it was one of many triggers for me this month. I miss my daughter. I wish sometimes that she could be with us. I wish I could hold her and say good-bye. I regret that I didn't have the chance to do that.
And so I have prayed this past week that God would give me a dream of her. I felt desperate for her in a way I haven't in a long time. I believe in faith that she is really well and whole but I couldn't help asking to see her. And while He didn't give me the dream I asked for, I know that He gave me Himself. He is enough. His Grace is enough for me. And one day this ache is going to be filled up for good! I am so, so glad He gave me a little taste of what that will be like!