"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Monday, December 12, 2011

In Manitoba Again...

Yesterday we left Calgary at 6am and made the sixteen hour long trip across the prairies to visit our families.  Some of you said you had prayed for us as we travelled the same road we did with Rachel's casket four months ago! Thank-you! I think subconsiously I had been dragging my feet about going, because of this reason.  (sorry Moms and Dads!) It turned out to be a good trip though, laughter mixed in with the tears. We listened to some sermons by a pastor/professor friend of Dave's.  A reminder of how God's great power is at work in us, giving us endurance, and encouragement for the long road of life.  

At lunch we stopped at McDonalds to let the kids run. I watched two sisters play with each other - both about the same age as my own girls - and I yearned desperately, for a time when I could see them together like this too.  Then at suppertime, we stopped at the same McDonalds in Brandon Manitoba, where we had stopped on our last trip, with Rachel's casket in the back.  I told Dave that I just couldn't go in this time - and so we decided that I would go fill up the van with gas and pick up a sub for us, while he took the kids to the McD's playland. But then as soon as I stepped into the Quiznos, I was hit with other memories, ones I had forgotten.  Becuse this was the place where we had stopped with Rachel when she was alive.  I saw the highchair in the corner that we had turned upside down to put Rachel's carrier in, so that she could sit at eye level to us.  And I remembered the questions about her, the almost predictable surprised looks and expressions when we told her age.  I remember the nervousness I felt about driving so far with her, the unpredictable 'spells', but I also remember how good it felt to have all three of my kids.  And now our van seems so empty somehow, even though it is stuffed full with our belongings, and presents.  My mom said too that when we walked in, it felt that we had left a child behind somewhere, that we were missing someone. And we are...

Around 11:30pm, we drove past her grave in the night and arrived at my parents' place. It is now the afternoon of the next day and I still haven't been able to muster the courage to walk over there.  I know that she isn't really there but her earthly body is, and it is really hard for me to think about her body decaying under the ground.  And to remember the day we put it there. Dave went over this morning on his own.  I know I will go yet....but it might take a bit of time.....   

7 comments:

Jobina said...

oh Kendra, thank you for sharing. Praying for you!

Taylor said...

Kendra, I am praying for the Lord to give you the peace you need for your timing to feel right to go and visit the graveside. That must be a hard inner battle. May the Lord's hand calm your heart!

Marge said...

Thinking of you as you relive the memories of the last trip. I hope you feel peace when you visit Rachel's grave. No, she's not there.....she is happy in heaven with Jesus. And you will see her again.

Christmas blessings to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I totally get how you feel about going to the gravesite. when I went back to Connor's only one month after we buried him, I did OK until I realized his body was right below me. Then I felt an incredible feeling of peace, knowing he wasn't really there (although I do struggle like you with what IS there).
Praying for peace with whatever decision you make, and that you don't feel guilty if the timing is not right for you.
Love Geraldine

Kathy and Carl said...

Glad that you had safe trip, but will keep you all in our prayers as you pass by places that remind you of Rachel; of times when you had her with you and times when you had to let her go. Take your time in the steps ahead and be gracious with yourself.

Sending much love.

Janet said...

Kendra,
Thank you for sharing your heart.
As others also ache with you ,& shed tears may you feel the comfort of God's love surround you.
Much love
Janet M

Brenda Funk said...

I've been thinking of you, as you go back for the first time where you left your little one's body. We know she is with God, safe and happy, but still this is all we have left of here here. But I'm also glad you could go back -- an important step in the grieving process I think, to be able to visit the grave -- and a reminder that she is really not there.