"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Monday, January 16, 2012

Interview/Conversation for Radiothon

Hi! In case anyone is still reading....hee hee....it's been awhile since I've been on here!

Tomorrow Dave and I will be meeting with some people from the Alberta Children's Foundation, to do an interview for a Radiothon. (raises money for the Children's Hospital and Rotary Flames House).  They want it to be more of a conversation, which is great for me! But I'm still feeling a bit nervous about it.  I wasn't sure I even wanted to let people know about this. But I would appreciate your prayers. I do love to talk about our journey with Rachel. But it is alot easier for me to put my words together in writing, than to get them out in person.  I just hope I'm able to tell things clearly.  Depending on how it goes, I might let you know when that airs;)

So...after five months...am I still grieving? YOU BET! How often do I think of Rachel? ummm....pretty much all the time.  I am missing her dreadfully these days. In fact I have just come through a very difficult (mostly anxiety filled) week.  Alot of things played into this. But underlying much of it, is that I am still grieving. For the longest time now, I could hardly bear to see babies, let alone hold them. But sometimes I want desperatly to hold a baby, any baby.  It's still a pretty sporadic feeling. But yesterday in church, I asked to hold my friend's two month old baby and I stood in the back during the worship and wept.  It felt so right - my arms have felt so very empty. It felt like balm for my heart. And at the same time, it hurt so deeply because she wasn't Rachel.  Such a crazy mixture of feelings! What adds to the pain is that in the past month, I have had such intense baby cravings. And at the same time such dreadful fear of ever having to go through pregnancy again.  I feel nauseous, literally sick with fear, about it.  Sometimes, especially at night, I even think I am going crazy. And God seems silent and far away. I feel a bit afraid about being so honest here. And yet, I feel such a need for prayer these days.

This afternoon, I did some scrapbooking. It helped get me out of the rut I was stuck in. And brought on some good healthy tears. This is the picture I pasted in Abigail's book, of Rachel. It was taken roughly two weeks before she died.  Isn't she so incredibly beautiful??? oh, I miss her. I wonder what she's doing right now....and I wish so much that I could see her smile again. (I'm having a hard time waiting for heaven!)
In the Baby Swing at Dave's parents. Dave's mom thinks she was so happy because she felt like she was in the middle of all the action. The cousins were jumping on the trampoline just in front of the swing. She was SO happy in that swing.

One more.... I just saw this one again today and loved it. She looks so peaceful.

9 comments:

Kathy and Carl said...

I love those pictures of Rachel in the swing. You're right, she looks so happy. I can't even imagine how happy she is in heaven right now....and yet the sorrow at not having her here I can't even fathom. I will continue to pray for you Kendra, that as you journey God will carry you and Dave and the kids.

paige said...

wow... what a beautiful post. Kendra - i'm having the worst night ever & your honesty in this post totally spoke to me right in the rawness of my heart.
i'm excited for your interview 'cause i really think it's going to be better than you can imagine (i struggle with finding the right spoken words too - ugh - but i'm confident you'll find them!)
& as to the anxiety - i never would have understood if i hadn't had *a taste* of anxiety during one of my pregnancies. It's STRANGE & uncontrollable & unpredictable & debilitating!!!! i'm going to be praying for you... that God will give you a sound mind & not a spirit of fear. You *are held* & seeing you held carries so many others... May God continue to be there - present, even when He feels far away...

paige said...

i can't believe i didn't say anything about the pictures... i think that's why i went to comment in the first place.
o. my. What a gorgeous smile God gave Rachel!! You sure got some beautiful pictures... Love them :)

Melody Walper said...

Thank you for your complete honesty in these posts. You are willing to share the raw pain you feel, which is powerful. Grief never goes away, and is always with us. I have never lost a child, and yet I sometimes can empathize with the pain and hurt and sadness that you feel, when I think about loss that I have experienced. You are really an inspiration, and when I think of you, I try to remember to pray for you as you journey through your grief.

Lorissa said...

Yes I'm still reading :-)
Thanks so much for your honesty and vulnerability in this post. It helps me know how to pray for you... and how to serve and care for those experiencing grief.
I'm praying for peace and clarity as you have your interview. It's great that you have an opportunity to give something back to the Flames House, and hopefully encourage others in the process.
Those are beautiful pictures... thanks for sharing!

Valerie Ruth said...

i still check every day :) i'll pray for you in regards to the radiothon, your empty arms, and much more. love you sis.

Angela said...

Beautiful pictures of your little girl.

I can't wait to hear how the interview goes!

Continued prayers for you Kendra...I wish I had more words but I read and understand that sometimes there aren't any.

Love.

Melissa said...

Praying for you Kendra. You are an amazing person from what I have read thru your blog! I come on here every day to check up on you even though I don't post to much. The grief you experience over the loss of a child is something no one can truely understand except for your group of friends who have been through the same experience.
Rachel is such a beautiful little girl and I know she is smiling down on you right now. Stay strong and please know that are so many people praying for you!

Carlana said...

Yes, beautiful pictures of Rachel. Thanks again for your honesty. Even though I'm blessed to hear some of what you are going through in our phone conversations, I still always look forward to hearing you share your heart on your blog! Ha, as I'm writing this "Twice as Good" by Sara Groves came up on my Ipod. Thanks for sharing that song with me a long time ago...I appreciate you so much. I continue to think and pray for you often. May you feel God's peace and favour.