Hi! In case anyone is still reading....hee hee....it's been awhile since I've been on here!
Tomorrow Dave and I will be meeting with some people from the Alberta Children's Foundation, to do an interview for a Radiothon. (raises money for the Children's Hospital and Rotary Flames House). They want it to be more of a conversation, which is great for me! But I'm still feeling a bit nervous about it. I wasn't sure I even wanted to let people know about this. But I would appreciate your prayers. I do love to talk about our journey with Rachel. But it is alot easier for me to put my words together in writing, than to get them out in person. I just hope I'm able to tell things clearly. Depending on how it goes, I might let you know when that airs;)
So...after five months...am I still grieving? YOU BET! How often do I think of Rachel? ummm....pretty much all the time. I am missing her dreadfully these days. In fact I have just come through a very difficult (mostly anxiety filled) week. Alot of things played into this. But underlying much of it, is that I am still grieving. For the longest time now, I could hardly bear to see babies, let alone hold them. But sometimes I want desperatly to hold a baby, any baby. It's still a pretty sporadic feeling. But yesterday in church, I asked to hold my friend's two month old baby and I stood in the back during the worship and wept. It felt so right - my arms have felt so very empty. It felt like balm for my heart. And at the same time, it hurt so deeply because she wasn't Rachel. Such a crazy mixture of feelings! What adds to the pain is that in the past month, I have had such intense baby cravings. And at the same time such dreadful fear of ever having to go through pregnancy again. I feel nauseous, literally sick with fear, about it. Sometimes, especially at night, I even think I am going crazy. And God seems silent and far away. I feel a bit afraid about being so honest here. And yet, I feel such a need for prayer these days.
This afternoon, I did some scrapbooking. It helped get me out of the rut I was stuck in. And brought on some good healthy tears. This is the picture I pasted in Abigail's book, of Rachel. It was taken roughly two weeks before she died. Isn't she so incredibly beautiful??? oh, I miss her. I wonder what she's doing right now....and I wish so much that I could see her smile again. (I'm having a hard time waiting for heaven!)