Another 21st of the month today. Another reminder to me of how much we would have liked to celebrate Rachel's milestones. My heart has been hurting so much more lately too. There are so many things that I don't feel ready, or able to write about. Even the little things have seemed more overwhelming. At least the nausea is gone. I'm pretty sure it was from the stress - of wanting, longing for my little girl, and if I couldn't have her, a longing for another baby. Quite a few people told me to just 'go for it', get pregnant again. But if I get so crazy ill just from thinking about it, imagining what it would be like be be pregnant again, how could I realistically go through this again without becoming seriously mentally and emotionally ill? Months of not knowing if I might have another child who could suffer the way Rachel did? I don't have any peace in that direction, just longing, and I admit, some jealousy of women who have healthy births. And then I feel guilty because these are my friends and I have failed them because I can't enter into their joy. I'm so sorry...I've been such a mess lately. We have started exploring some other options though, and I'm not ready to write about it, although you might easily guess what that is. The nausea went away on the day that we started talking about it, which was a possible sign to me, that we were in the right direction. I'm still feeling a bit crazy, just a little less so;) Praying that God would guide our decision making...
About the Radiothon interview - well, she (the interviewer) was Really Great...and patient. I definetly felt out of my comfort zone though. I was willing to do it because I wanted so much to give back to the Rotary Flames House but I would really much rather just write about our experience!!:) They did some pre-recorded pieces with me but Dave is going to do the "Live" piece on Feb 8 or 9 and I know he'll do amazing job!
We didn't make it to our Genetics meeting on Wednesday. (to discuss the latest blood test results) Our van didn't start. I had been preparing myself, emotionally, and mentally for this meeting. So, it was pretty disappointing. It was rescheduled for this coming Tuesday though.
Awhile ago, I wrote that I wasn't able to walk over to Rachel's grave. I thought it would be hard but it turned out to be ok. It was a really cold Manitoba winter day, windy. So we didn't stay long. I know she isn't really there. She's free! And healthy! And safe...and I'm going to see her again someday. I wish I didn't have to wait, but one day it will seem that this wait was just a blink of the eye. On the evening that we left my parents, we lit the memoriam candle we bought in Germany and put it on her grave. (My mom went to retrieve it later) Seeing this picture reminded me that we should start thinking of a gravestone....it's been a painful thing to think about until now. Maybe it still is.