"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Rachel is doing a bit better today. She drank a bit more than yesterday.  Still no smiles but I think she spent a bit more time sleeping and less fussing.  We have to admit that we have mixed feelings about her doing better.  If she is going to leave us anyway, we don't know how we can bear this being drawn out over a longer time.  Also, we know where she is heading and we know that place is beyond even our highest imaginations. I feel deep disappointment for her that she can't go yet...and I feel the same for ourselves too.  I feel guilty for feeling this way - it feels so terribly wrong to say that I wish our child could go for our sake, and yet this is so hard. I gave her a bath today.  It had been awhile since I had bathed her fully and it shocked me so much I almost wept.  She has lost weight. I notice it especially in her thighs but her whole body is so tiny, so frail.  She can't hold her head.  It feels so different to hold her.  Just now Dave showed me a several videos of her laughing, and smiling, and waving her feet and arms, and it is a stark reminder of how 'not herself'' she is right now.  We laughed together as we watched them.  And marveled at her beauty and personality. I imagine that we will spend alot of time watching these again and again - because this is who Rachel is to us, and this is how we picture her in heaven - except that then she will be truly FREE. Now we only see a part of who Rachel really is but one day...oh, I wonder what it will be like to know my daughter in God's redeemed world...God, give me patience to wait.     

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your honest feelings. God understands - it was hard for Him to watch His Son suffer. He's given you so much strength to get this far and He'll carry you thru. I will pray for God's will and mercy for all of you. Big hug.

Martha said...

Don't feel guilty about your feelings. Maybe its God's gift to you...a reluctant, unselfish willingness to give her back to Him, knowing she will be happy and whole forever. There are no easy answers but we continue to pray.

paige said...

The delicacy with which you hold your daughter's tender life is a beautiful thing to behold.
i am trusting that He'll give you what you need to bear this too.

Kara said...

I understand, you are a wonderful mother and your little one no doubt continues to feel your love and security even if she can't show that to you. Someday she will tell you about it!

lorainne said...

OH Kendra - I pray on - I love your honesty - God does too - I pray moments of joy for you today

fiona said...

kendra - i had to read through a few posts to get a bit caught up, and as i read this one, i had a flashback to a dream i once had. remember our days of working for dasch? how could you forget :D well, i used to work with amintha. do you remember her? how i struggled with all the spitting. blech. but one night, God gave me the most blessed dream. i dreamt amintha was in heaven, and she was just so amazing and beautiful and joyful and radiant. it was such an amazing thing to behold her as God meant her to be. beauty and joy. i thought of this dream when you talked about imagining rachel finally free in heaven. what an ache for your heart, and yet what a joy and freedom for her.
as always, we love you!!