Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Rachel is doing a bit better today. She drank a bit more than yesterday. Still no smiles but I think she spent a bit more time sleeping and less fussing. We have to admit that we have mixed feelings about her doing better. If she is going to leave us anyway, we don't know how we can bear this being drawn out over a longer time. Also, we know where she is heading and we know that place is beyond even our highest imaginations. I feel deep disappointment for her that she can't go yet...and I feel the same for ourselves too. I feel guilty for feeling this way - it feels so terribly wrong to say that I wish our child could go for our sake, and yet this is so hard. I gave her a bath today. It had been awhile since I had bathed her fully and it shocked me so much I almost wept. She has lost weight. I notice it especially in her thighs but her whole body is so tiny, so frail. She can't hold her head. It feels so different to hold her. Just now Dave showed me a several videos of her laughing, and smiling, and waving her feet and arms, and it is a stark reminder of how 'not herself'' she is right now. We laughed together as we watched them. And marveled at her beauty and personality. I imagine that we will spend alot of time watching these again and again - because this is who Rachel is to us, and this is how we picture her in heaven - except that then she will be truly FREE. Now we only see a part of who Rachel really is but one day...oh, I wonder what it will be like to know my daughter in God's redeemed world...God, give me patience to wait.