In Manitoba Again...

Yesterday we left Calgary at 6am and made the sixteen hour long trip across the prairies to visit our families.  Some of you said you had prayed for us as we travelled the same road we did with Rachel's casket four months ago! Thank-you! I think subconsiously I had been dragging my feet about going, because of this reason.  (sorry Moms and Dads!) It turned out to be a good trip though, laughter mixed in with the tears. We listened to some sermons by a pastor/professor friend of Dave's.  A reminder of how God's great power is at work in us, giving us endurance, and encouragement for the long road of life.  

At lunch we stopped at McDonalds to let the kids run. I watched two sisters play with each other - both about the same age as my own girls - and I yearned desperately, for a time when I could see them together like this too.  Then at suppertime, we stopped at the same McDonalds in Brandon Manitoba, where we had stopped on our last trip, with Rachel's casket in the back.  I told Dave that I just couldn't go in this time - and so we decided that I would go fill up the van with gas and pick up a sub for us, while he took the kids to the McD's playland. But then as soon as I stepped into the Quiznos, I was hit with other memories, ones I had forgotten.  Becuse this was the place where we had stopped with Rachel when she was alive.  I saw the highchair in the corner that we had turned upside down to put Rachel's carrier in, so that she could sit at eye level to us.  And I remembered the questions about her, the almost predictable surprised looks and expressions when we told her age.  I remember the nervousness I felt about driving so far with her, the unpredictable 'spells', but I also remember how good it felt to have all three of my kids.  And now our van seems so empty somehow, even though it is stuffed full with our belongings, and presents.  My mom said too that when we walked in, it felt that we had left a child behind somewhere, that we were missing someone. And we are...

Around 11:30pm, we drove past her grave in the night and arrived at my parents' place. It is now the afternoon of the next day and I still haven't been able to muster the courage to walk over there.  I know that she isn't really there but her earthly body is, and it is really hard for me to think about her body decaying under the ground.  And to remember the day we put it there. Dave went over this morning on his own.  I know I will go yet....but it might take a bit of time.....   

It's Been Four Months

Can it really be four months already?  It's so hard to believe.  I think I still feel a sense of shock that she really isn't here anymore.  I haven't had much time lately to write.  We have had a very full week here, with family visits! But I have been thinking of Rachel ALOT today.  Aching in the deep way that only a mother who has lost a child can ache. As I clean and organize places in our house that haven't been touched in a long time, I keep running into reminders of her sweet life.  Thank-you Father God for your precious gifts.  For your strength that carried us through the darkest nights. I have felt IMMENSE sadness today that I couldn't experience the joyful expectation of a healthy birth, but I give thanks for her life all the same.  For the sweet bond that I could know with her. And one day I will see you again Rachel!  oh, I can hardly wait... 


This is what I posted on FB awhile ago..."I miss Rachel so much today. It's the five (oops actually four) month anniversary of her death but all I can think about today is the day of her birth.  Bono said that "Freedom has a scent like the top of a newborn baby's head".  I think that's about right. What a lovely feeling it was to hold her and drink her in."

Our Date

Dave and I went on a date, planned by me, last night.   I had so many ideas about how to make this evening special! Many of them were your suggestions (thank-you) but I also did some research of my own, and ended up with quite the list.  And to be honest, I ended up feeling kind of overwelmed with the decision. (yeah, I'm not the best at decision making) And some ideas didn't work out because I couldn't find a babysitter for that particular day. So.....I decided to do something simple, one of our old fall back dates, with a bit of a twist.  We ended up having a great time.  

Because just going out for dinner, the two of us, is pretty darn special!!  

I wrote out little rhymed poems to give him a hint about the next place we were going and he had to guess. (well mostly rhymed) And along the way, we answered questions from this book!

1st Hint:
"We ate this food for almost a year
In a country that became quite dear
This restaurant is not far away
Pick your favorite dish and I will pay!"

Answer: A nearby Chinese restaurant (very authentic food, almost like what we had in Beijing) For the last 5 or so years this is the place Dave *almost always* wants to go. But pregnancy and Chinese food for me doesn't mix.  And I just haven't felt like Chinese in a very long time.  Poor guy.  Our food was pretty good, ALOT of green beans - I think that dish was meant for 10 people! Next time, the Peking Duck.  We know they serve a ton of things that aren't on their menu:)

Dave wore an orange sweater in memory of the ratted Thrift shop one he wore to our first date! I have fond memories of him in that old thing:)

 2nd hint:
"When we walk, this helps us talk...And the place we're going to rymes with Larry Binds.
Walk one time around the loop, so we can walk off all that soup!"
Answer: Prairie Winds Park
(too dark for pictures)

3rd hint:
"This next place sells used things like clothes and books and rings
Buy me something silly to wear to make the others stare."
Answer: Thrift Store
(and I had to do the same for him)

Dave was nice to me.  He bypassed the pink wig (!) and chose a scarf and a yellow belt (the belt was too small though)
Here we are....at the last place.

4th hint:
"Let's take another walk down memory lane. Perhaps hot milk with candy cane?"
Answer: Second Cup (the place where we had our first real date, except now we're in Calgary and the first date was in Osbourne Wpg) The evening ended with me giving Dave a present that I had ordered online for us. And then we went home....to our kids already in bed! Wonderful.

Anyone want to buy a beautiful flowered shirt and scarf?? Because I think we're done with them now....

Genetics

Just called Genetics to check in with them again. We're going to get a call back sometime today.  At first we were told that we would hear test results around the six month mark and now it's been 18 months.  It's a fairly new test so it is taking longer. Then there were a few mixups with the blood.  They took cord blood initially, then realized they needed more.  Rachel had blood taken a short time after birth.  Then many months later, when I called to ask about results, they checked the chart and found that they STILL didn't have enough blood, so we took Rachel in for another prick.  Not sure what to expect from their results. (if we get any) Not sure how I might feel or what use the information is to us now.  But I am still curious....and a bit nervous none the less. 

Sometimes in my more anxious moments, I think about what this might mean genetically for future grandkids.  Or for Ethan and Abigail - what if something is different about their own hearts and we don't know it yet?  I think of Ethan's kids too, but Abigail is the one who talks so much about wanting to be a mommy.  This morning as I was ironing her new curtains, she said "When I'm growd up, I want one of those......(ie. the iron).....'cept I want a new house!" I so hope that she can experience being a mommy too.  

I realize that my fears can so easily run away with me.  We know already that medical knowledge can only give us so much - it is still so limited.  And how much do we really want or need to know ahead of time anyway?? I'm not sure sometimes that I can handle more than THIS DAY alone. God is our Creator - He knows the number of our days.  And He loves us and is ultimately in control of what happens in our lives! Still, this morning I felt so overwelmed by all the possibilties of pain that my kids might experience.  I don't want to live there, in some abstract place ruled by fear.  So, I pray, and I cling, and I choose to rest in His promises for us Today.

Father God, our Good Shepherd, who numbers the hairs of our heads, help me to trust you.

*Spoke with Genetics at 2pm.  No news yet.  Results are still preliminary.  Could still take another 6 months.  Maybe that's ok.  I'm not sure I want or need to hear what they might say anyway.  They say that if I'm pregnant, they would fast track us, but I'm not interested in that option!....so....we wait. 

We Groan Inwardly while we Wait Eagerly

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firtfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons (and daughters), the Redemption of our bodies." Romans 8:22,23

Rachel would be 18 months old today...

...and I have big lumps in my throat today.  I miss that sweet little girl so very much.  I wish I could see so much farther than I do right now...

I gave a few of Rachel's dresses to Abigail to use for her dolls.  One dress really is a doll dress, given to us by a friend last Christmas.  (a matching girl and doll dress set) It is absolutely mind boggling to me to think that Rachel wore this dress. And kind of gut wrenching too.  The dress didn't close in the back but it was a near fit.  Her legs were quite a bit longer but she often had them curled up anyway.  (until much later) Just for comparison, here's an 18 inch doll next to a doll wearing Rachel's dress... 

Here's Rachel and Abigail almost a year ago. 

In Abigail's scrapbook I wrote the caption "Wake up sis! I want to play!" After I read this to Abigail, she thought this was so neat.  She ran around the house excitedly and said a number of times, "Rachel calls me sis!"

The last few days have been tough.  I sold Rachel's double stroller.  (kijiji buyer)  I had that stroller posted for over a week and I thought I was ready.  We didn't really have a place to store it anymore.  But it wasn't until after I hung up the phone with the prospective buyer that it hit me - I was handing over Rachel's stroller to a stranger who had no idea of it's history (nor would I tell them) and suddenly I felt sick with anxiety.  I almost called her twice to tell her I changed my mind......but in the end, I went through with it.  And it was ok - no long discussion, no questions - just a quick transaction, and it was gone. I thank God for His strength!!!

I cleaned out our stuff from beneath the stairs, which included boy baby stuff.  Came across a special sleeper that I had wanted to put on Rachel but couldn't find.  Thought how cute it would have looked on her.  Piled the boys clothes to be given away, in the basement.  I can't touch the girl's stuff yet.  I do hope to make a quilt from Rachel's clothes....someday. 

And yesterday....I peeled off the sheet from her basinet, and gathered up the blankets that I had left in her basinet...and put it all into the washer.  There had been one or two blankets that she had used very briefly before she died and we thought for awhile that we could still smell her in it.  So I gave it one last long whiff just in case - but the smell was gone or maybe it was so unfamiliar. I'm not sure I would remember her smell anymore.  I left the basinet standing though - that's one thing I can't do just yet...

I have been cleaning up her things, bit by bit because it doesn't feel much like her room anymore. Dave has been using it as his office and the kids, wanting to be near Daddy, had played with her toys and mussed up the bed and room.  And so I thought maybe it was time.  But I was surprised at how much these acts of cleaning up, took 'it' out of me.  I feel tired, fragile again.  That took me off guard, and made me realize that there is a reason to not rush into these things.  And there really is no particular timeline that I'm supposed to follow. 

So....lots of ups and downs still going on over here....

The kids are both in school. Dave is studying downstairs.  I'm going to go spend some time reading God's words.  I need to be soaked in something that is true. I need something real to hold on to right now.

But first, this is part of the Bible story that I read to the kids last night.  It was the last story in their book, "the Jesus Storybook Bible"

I see a sparkling city shimmering in the sky: glittering, glowing - coming down! From heaven. And from the sky.  Heaven is coming down to earth!  God's city is beautiful.  Walls of topaz, jasper, sapphire. Wide streets paved with gold. Gleaming pearl gates that are never locked shut.  Where is the sun? Where is the moon? They aren't needed anymore. God is all the Light people need.  No more darkness! No more night! (no more bad dreams for Ethan, he liked that part!) 

And the King says, "Look! God and his children are together again.  No more running away.  Or hiding.  No more crying or being lonely or afraid.  No more being sick or dying. (I cried at that part!) Because all those things are gone.  Yes, they're gone forever.  Everything sad has come untrue.  And see - I have wiped away every tear from every eye!

And then a deep, beautiful voice that sounded like thunder in the sky says, "Look, I am making everything new!"

It was hard to squeeze all John saw into words.  And fit it onto a page. And cram it into a book. All the words on all the pages of all the books in all the world would never be enough.

"I am the beginning, "Jesus said, "and the ending."......

John came to the end of his book.  But he didn't write "The End" Because of course, that's how stories finish.  (and this one's not over yet)

So instead he wrote: "Come quickly Jesus!!"

Which , perhaps is really just another way of saying...To Be Continued...

28 Donations

I just received a card in the mail from Compassion International. There have been 28 separate donations to the Medical Response Fund, in memory of Rachel Amariah Funk!!  Thank-you!!! It makes me glad to think about how her life will make a difference for others in this way.  I think she would be very happy to know this too:)

Btw, if anyone still wants to donate, I have more cards at home.  Just let me know and I will try and get a card to you. It has Rachel's name on it and the designation to the "Medical Response Fund".  I'm sure you could just send in a cheque with a note saying where you want it designated and it would work too:)