The last week has been so busy - our minds occupied with plans for our Berlin trip (leaving tomorrow!) and with so much other life stuff too. But there have been times when the dam has broken and the tears have flowed. Times when no amount of distraction or business will save me. Yesterday night after a very full day, I was washing my face and suddenly it hit again. Our little girl, the one I gave birth to, is really gone. And somehow these moments hurt so much more when they don't sneak up - when they just wham you on the head, on the heart.
Another time was a few days ago. I was driving to the gym. And I popped a CD in the player, one that a friend had made for us, a collection of poems that she's written. This was the first track on the CD. And all of a sudden I was sobbing. It hurt so very much, and I was scared that I could never stop but at the same time, I knew that I needed it. I needed to grieve. I needed to remember. And this picture of our Father holding our little Rachel, holding us - was exactly what I needed to see that day. And this was the image still in my mind, when I bought the Willow Tree figurine for David, later on that same day.
Our friend wrote it for another family, whose little boy died. I forget the details now. Originally the pronouns were male. But, on the CD we listened to, the pronouns were female. (just got an email from her, saying that this is Rachel's version!) This was read by the author's daughter (Abby) - which made it that much more powerful for me. I could picture our Abigail saying it too. Thank-you so much....
My Daddy’s Lap
My Daddy’s lap is a very good place.
It’s where I go when I’m too sad to play.
Sometimes Daddy rocks me.
Sometimes we talk about things.
Sometimes I fall asleep.
My Daddy puts his arms around me,
And holds me tight against his chest.
I can hear his heartbeat,
And I know I’ll feel better soon.
Even though I still have more tears.
When my little sister went away,
I asked my Daddy where she went.
Daddy said she was too sick to play anymore,
So she climbed into God’s lap for a rest.
God's lap is the best place of all, Daddy said.
When God puts His arms around you,
And holds you tight against His chest,
You can hear His heartbeat.
And you feel better right away.
And you have no more tears ever again.
One day, a long time from now,
I’m going to climb into God’s lap, too.
I’ll snuggle in, right beside my little sister,
And know we’re in a very good place.
Just like my Daddy’s lap.
By Rachel Friesen
from her blog "Shelf Life"