ok, so here's the discouraging stuff....
I am so very tired. I love my daughter, with a deep loyal love, but this constant feeding is starting to put me over the edge again. Yesterday in church, I had to heat up a bottle five times in the two hours we were there. How many one year olds need a bottle that often? We took the night last night too. And it was awful, feeds every 15 minutes or half hour for my part of it. (up until 4am when Dave took over and he didn't sleep after that either). I dread these nights. And there's more coming for us.
In the past few days, I have felt so discouraged and even anxious about our respite situation. We have been hoping that we could get some more respite hours but it doesn't look too promising at this point. (we will get the final answer next week.) The thing that really bites is that we have been going over our allotted hours for awhile now because we felt that we needed sleep. (especially during and after the recent rough patch) And now there are a bunch of nights coming up that we need to do ourselves. I want to be more positive about this. I am SO GRATEFUL for the hours we have been given. I honestly do not know how we could have survived the last year without this help. But I am exhausted even with what we have been given! This is really hard work! And we have never faced something this demanding before.
Please keep praying with us for more relief, and if more hours don't come, please pray that God would give us more and more endurance. I feel like a lousy mother when I am this tired and when there are signs of spells or blueishness, I am so much more easily stressed. Please pray too that I will be able to accept the situation we are in, and submit myself to God, who loves and cares for us. And this has been such a battle for me lately. I don't want to submit. I don't want to bend. In my heart, I feel insanely selfish sometimes. I often fantasize of a time when I can do whatever I want. Even the idea of running out to the park with the kids sounds like an impossibly wonderful plan - it's one that just doesn't happen here without alot of careful planning. I am terrified of another difficult summer ahead. But I also want to be faithful in the journey we are on. I want to live joyfully, even in these days when much is asked of me. God, please give us courage to live this way.