Now all three of my kids have a cold. But Rachel has it the worst. She is blueish and not moving as much and so I am on guard for spells. The day ahead looks hard and long. I have a Dentist appointment this morning too and I don't want to leave Rachel. But then it is always hard to leave her.
Last night Dave asked me how the day was. And then I found myself talking and things started pouring out of me that I wasn't really aware of. I have been trying for so long to be strong for everyone. I didn't want to admit how disappointed I really felt or how my heart hurts. Sometimes I don't feel like I have the right to complain. I have friends whose only child died. I have friends who have waited many years for someone to share their life with and they want kids. But I have been working so hard to be thankful, to do eucharisto - be thankful, focus on what is good and right etc....that I forgot that it is ok to lament too...that sometimes lament is necessary and good. And my lament has been so bottled up, like a time bomb waiting to errupt. It hasn't errupted yet, but last night was like a tiny hole letting out some of the pressure.
Then this morning, Abigail was singing this little song to Rachel in a cheery voice and I had to turn away from her so she wouldn't see my tears streaming. And that hole widened a bit more. These were the words..."We want to keep you but you're going to die. You're going to die. We want to keep you but you're going to die." And my thought....was "oh God, this is not the song I want my daughter to be singing to her 11 month old sister! This isn't right....oh, this just isn't fair."
Last night I told Dave how I felt about the day. This morning I told God. I think I was afraid to finish this last night because I knew I would cry and then I wouldn't sleep...This is how my "Psalm of Lament" goes...(and I warn you - this is pretty raw. I am not holding back on this one - well, scratch that - I will probably still hold back because this is on my blog, but truthfully, I don't know where I'm going to end up...)
God, I watched my two children play in the bathtub today.
Soon they will be too old to do this together.
Abigail would have had so much fun playing with her 11 month old sister in the tub...
I can almost see it....Rachel sitting and splashing her big sister...
I wanted this...I want this so badly. Can you see how it hurts?
I have this picture of Abigail sitting in her high chair on her first birthday...
Sitting....Eating and playing with a carrot muffin...Laughing...
I will never experience these joys with my second daughter.
I won't applaud her first steps or have a conversation with her..
What are you doing God?
How could you give us this beautiful little girl and have us fall in love with her, all the while knowing that you will take her away??
You didn't give me what I wanted! I wanted three healthy children
The number isn't really all that important.
What I really want is Ethan, Abigail, and Rachel.
And it hurts beyond belief to know that I can't have this.
Life used to seem simple before.
My biggest complaint was lack of sleep and temper tantrums.
I remember how my biggest decision that day was what to do with the kids...walk to the Library, go to the Park, get together with friends.
I remember what it was like to look forward to something.
And now...everything is upside down. Nothing feels secure or safe anymore.
Many of our friends have palliative care kids, or children who have died.
It seems rather impossible that there are healthy kids at all.
All the bad is clouding over the good stuff.
That beautiful joy in celebrating other's new pregnancies or births isn't there anymore.
And I miss the joy of celebrating milestones...
I grieve bitterly that Rachel can never be that happy smiling chubby baby in my arms.
And I can almost see it - in a way that I haven't ever allowed myself to imagine.
Her face in all of those healthy babies I saw at the immunization clinic....
How it should have been..
And God, I am so tired. Tired of the constant unknowns.
Tired of wondering every time I go shopping, if I'll need to leave everything and run home.
Tired of always wondering where Dave is and how fast he can get home.
Tired of not having energy to talk with my friends or pour myself into anything at all.
Tired of wondering when we will have a funeral - when my friends are making plans for the summer.
We are just plain tired. When do we get our break God?
Just one day...just one day to not have to hurt like this. To not be so tired in every part of my being..
And God, my biggest complaint.
Rachel is so frail. She is brave and beautiful but she is so little.
And she has to struggle to breathe. She has to suffer.
And it hurts my heart so much.
How many more times do we need to endure these spells?
Because I don't know if I can do it any more.
God, please have mercy on her.
God, please have mercy on us.
ok...many tears later, I am finally done. Funny thing is I feel better. And I feel heard. And when I read over my own questions and complaints again, they don't seem as big as they did when I was writing them. I almost expect to hear God respond with a long list of questions as He did with Job. Maybe I will go and read the book of Job....or some psalms. Although on second thought, I should really give some attention to my kids now. I have been rather negligent this morning. And I just snapped at Abigail when she dropped something and woke Rachel up....So, into the day I go.