Day One of 2011

Last night I was supposed to go to sleep early so that I could take the second shift with Rachel.  But I couldn't sleep.  I read my journal instead.  And did some journaling about the last year.  I found as I reflected that I couldn't think of anything of real importance that didn't relate to Rachel.  Our first ultrasound - where we heard the initial news - was on January 4th, 2010.  A lifetime ago.  A year of knowing...and not knowing.  Our faith was tested in new ways. It was a year of shattered dreams but it was also a time when we experienced so much of God's goodness, and saw beauty that we couldn't have known without also experiencing the pain.  

This past year, I was introduced to a kind of stress that I have never known before - the kind only a parent of terminally ill child can know.  Dave and I were joking the other day that this year has given both of us a lot more wrinkles around our eyes.  I feel like I have aged 5 years in one.  I have felt my heart clench with every cry.  I have lain awake at night wondering if I had just held my daughter for the last time.  And I would have loved her this way no matter what kind of special needs she had or how she looked, or how she communicated with us.  She stole our hearts from Day One - right from the moment the test strip showed 'positive'.  And God loved her long before that.  A friend gave us a cd of Andrew Peterson's music and there's a song that has impacted both Dave and me....It's called "Love is a Good Thing"  I think that maybe this descibes 2010 to a tee for us -because this is what Love has done...

It knocked me down, it dragged me out, it left me there for dead.

It took all the freedom I wanted and gave me something else instead.

It blew my mind, it bled me dry, it hit me like a long goodbye,

and nobody here knows better than I that it’s a good thing.

Love is a good thing.

It’ll fall like rain on your parade, laugh at the plans that you tried to make,

it’ll wear you down till your heart just breaks and it’s a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It’ll wake you up in the middle of the night, it’ll take just a little too much.

It’ll burn you like a cinder till you’re tender to the touch.

It’ll chase you down, swallow you whole,
it’ll make your blood run hot and cold.

Like a thief in the night it’ll steal your soul, and that’s a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

It’ll follow you down to the ruin of your great divide,
and open the wounds that you tried to hide.

And there in the rubble of the heart that died you’ll find a good thing.
Love is a good thing.

Take cover, the end is near. Take cover, but do not fear.

It’ll break your will, it’ll change your mind, it’ll loose all the chains of the ties that bind. If you’re lucky you’ll never make it out alive, and that’s a good thing. Love is a good thing. It can hurt like a blast from a hand grenade when all that used to matter is blown away. There in the middle of the mess it made you’ll find a good thing.Yes, it’s worth every penny of the price you paid. It’s a good thing.

Love is a good thing.

Do not fear.

I don't know what 2011 will bring.  Honestly, I feel a bit afraid of it.  But as I look back, I know that God was faithful in bringing us through.  I think God is saying to us now "Do not Fear. I am still in control. Here in the middle of the mess, you'll find a good thing."