"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Monday, October 4, 2010

Christmas Ornaments

I had a good cry today.  Maybe I cried because I am away from Rachel - these times often make me feel more vulnerable, more aware of how tied I am to my daughter.  They make me realize (in a small way) what it would be like to live life without her.  My heart has been stolen and there is no going back.  But I had better start at the beginning....

One of my faveorite ways to do "me time" is to go to Starbucks and Chapters.  I haven't done this since I was pregnant.  Today, I wandered around and wrote down a bunch of books I wanted to read.  (so that later I can reserve them at the Library) Then I got myself a mocha and settled down in our van to read and reflect.  I just started reading a book from a friend called "When God Wept" by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steven Estes.  You might remember that Joni became a quadrepeligic as a teenager.  If anyone has a right to speak of suffering, she does. She asks questions that have been the topic of many books, but somehow her writing connects with me in a way the others never have.  There is nothing 'glib' about her writing.  Who is God? Why does He permit so much heartache and pain?  Can He really be trusted?   

After reading for awhile, I decided last minute to wander around Michaels for a bit.  I usually end up near the yarn section (even though I already have a stash at home - some of you know what I mean!)  I chuckled a bit when I saw that all the Christmas stuff was already out.  And then I saw the little personalized tree ornaments... 

I pictured our kids hanging them on the tree.  I imagined Ethan and Abigail hanging one up for Rachel in the years to come, and suddenly it seemed so right.  Maybe she will be with us this Christmas.  I hope so!! Wouldn't that be so wonderful? In a way, she always will be.  And so I did something I normally don't do.  I splurged and bought three ornaments with each of their names.

And when I got to the van, I lost it.  I sobbed most of the way home.  I imagined Rachel as a little girl walking beside me, her hand in mine.  I imagined her precious grin in a toddler face and her arms around my neck.  And I allowed myself to really feel what I haven't in a long time. Disapointment. Sadness.  I thought of my friend whose little girl was delivered stillborn one year ago today. (in the same room where we waited for surgery) I hurt because right now, we have only glimpes of heaven.  And I want more than glimpses.        


I wish I could say that as the day went on, I moved out of the 'funk' I was in.  I wish I could end this with something hopeful.  But today was what it was.  I just felt plain sad today.  I felt anxious about the future and about things I am not free to write about.  I watched David run after the kids at the park and felt heavy with sadness.  I hate feeling this way.  Later on, we picked Rachel up at the Hospice.  They told us that during the night before, Rachel was having trouble feeding again.  Only 10mls at a time and every hour.  But she is in my arms again and tonight we are all under one roof, and that feels right. 
And tomorrow is a new day. And God says that His mercies are new every morning....(wait, I guess I am ending with something hopeful afterall.  God has a way of doing that, reminding me of who He is and what is still True, despite how I feel.  Thank-you.)

11 comments:

The Nieboer News said...

Praying continually for you.

May God be your comfort and blanket you each night.

Anonymous said...

In your deep sadness, God is with you, even if you don't 'feel' Him.
Those are beautiful ornaments and a great way to remember/celebrate Rachel.
Love Laura Thiessen

Hope's Blog said...

I cried as I read your post. The little things...like Christmas ornaments...are the remembrances that are so hard. I pray Rachel will be with you at Christmas.

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine NOT having sad, tough days....you are indeed walking a walk that is extremely hard....praying for all of you....L-lew :(

Carol Taves said...

Praying for you, Kendra . . .there is something precious about the sad, tough days too. Somehow, to deny them would demean everything you are going through and make it "less". We never want those times, nor should we wallow in them, but God does profound things in your heart and soul through the sad times, and He will bring you through them, refined.

Anonymous said...

You are such a good Mom Kendra! Love you, Mom

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing women! Everyone is allowed to feel sad and have a bad day, or a few. However, you always seem to see the bright side and you give hope to everyone out there that is going through something.

Take care, and thank you for letting me into your life!

Kathy and Carl said...

My heart aches to read how you are doing this day. Yes, his mercies are new every morning, it's because some mornings are more difficult than others, and we need that hope. Praying for you.

fiona said...

kendra - i catch glimpses of your pain if i allow myself to imagine one of my children dyeing . . . it is so very heartbreaking that i don't go there. but when we first found out about rachel i often looked at simon and imagined he would soon die and just cried and cried for you dear friend. i will pray that God fills you again with hope and peace - from a human perspective those don't make any sense, but God is your loving Father and it breaks His heart to watch you suffer - He too longs for your heart to be full with the good things He planned for you even before the world began. may you feel His true love for you tonight.

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for several months. My prayers are with you and your family. Take care of youself, your husband, and all of your little ones.

Best,

Courtney

Lorissa said...

Kendra, this post brought me to tears. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart on the blog. You're allowed to have sad days... even Jesus wept. My new prayer is that Rachel will be with you in person this Christmas... Love you guys.