We all made it to church this morning! Amazing! I think it has been 5 weeks since we have all made it there. (holidays, colds etc..) After church, we ink stamped all our kids feet and added their footprints to the others on a nursery wall. We had always meant to do this with the older two but time kind of flew away on us. I like that all of their prints are close to each other. And one day....when Rachel is gone and my heart aches with missing her, I will look at that wall and remember this day. Her footprints will remind us that she really was here - that she made her imprint on the world and on our hearts.
Yesterday I made a quick trip to the grocery store. I admit, I am definetly a CBC girl - our dial rarely moves from it, but this time I decided to chance the Christian radio channel. I heard the announcer talking about some musician who just had their third child. It sounded so happy and I had this little stab of jealousy. I wished so desperately in that one moment that Rachel was healthy and it was a cruel reminder of what we had wanted life to hold for us. I moved to turn it off but then I heard the words "unfortunately he was diagnosed with a heart malformation called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Right now he is in surgery fighting for his life." (one the the things Rachel has is hypoplastic right heart)
Suddenly I wasn't jealous. Instead I was weeping. Just a few extra words made the difference. And I thought a bit about jealousy. How so often I think I know how to paint the picture of a person's life - and yet I really have no idea what forms of suffering others are secretly going through or will go through. Some people do seem to get hit by unbelievable suffering again and again - life is so unfair. Still, none of us are exempt. God, help me to have your perspective. Help me today, to choose thankfulness instead of bitterness. I want my life to be ruled by Love, not fear. This is so hard sometimes. You know how weak I am.
Shortly after that announcement, this song by Rich Mullins came on. I love the words. I think Rich Mullins was killed in a car accident not that long ago, right? When I was in high school, a teacher gave us all a cassette tape of Rich Mullins. At the time this music wasn't exacly the 'coolest' but I secretly listened to his music over and over again and it got me through some tough times. Sometimes we have no idea what a difference our 'little' gifts can make.
Thank-you God - You and your plans for us are bigger than anything we are facing right now or will ever face. Your love is deeper, more true and loyal than we can imagine.
Rich Mullins "If I Stand"
There's more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here that keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger than this room
And there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the giver of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home
There's more that dances on the prairies than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's when her baby's at her side