Today I went to get blood work done in preparation for the c-section on Friday. Then I checked out the Labor and Delivery floor of the Peter Lawheed hospital, just in case labor comes early. I don't want a repeat of my last experience - wandering the halls in the throes of hard labor with Abigail, following an equally lost husband!! It struck me today that this is probably the last day I need to respond to a stranger's comments and questions about my pregnancy. I'm tired of them. I don't know how to respond. What do I say when my chiro's receptionist tells me how excited she is about our baby arriving soon and that I need to bring her in to show her off? (she's likely forgotton the info. on my file) I just say "Thank-you". Or when my hair dresser asks me if I have any exciting plans for the summer? (after I tell her our baby likely won't live long) I don't blame them for not knowing what to say - I often feel at a loss myself. It's shocking for people to hear things like this. Most pregnant women are looking forward with joy and anticipation to Birth.
Sometimes (in the right situation) it has opened the door to a conversation that wouldn't otherwise happen. Today was one of the rare times I chose to talk about Rachel. The woman supervisor at the Lab shared that she had cancer and she had prayed and God had healed her. She was an encouragement to me, to trust God to know Best and to enjoy the time I will have with Rachel. So, sometimes I also wonder if I will miss being pregnant and the attention given to this little one. One day Rachel will be a memory and not a visible presence to the world. I think her life will still open doors in conversation but in a different way.
One more day. Two more sleeps. I will treasure this time but I feel torn - i both want to hibernate and hold off what is coming - and I want to meet Rachel. Tomorrow family is leaving Manitoba so that they can be with us on Friday....After all the waiting, it is finally time. God give me courage!