"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Desiring Stillness

It's been hard to find time to write lately.  For months, time seemed to go by so slowly and now it seems to be flying. During the day, I am busy with Ethan and Abigail and day to day life.  At night I find myself sitting on the couch feeling Rachel move (and she moves alot) and I can't go to bed because I want to savor any time I have with her.  I feel bombarded with such a variety of thoughts throughout the day that I hardly know what to write here.  We may meet our daughter in a week!  What will that be like?  I know that I will fall in love with her!  How long will she live??? I am anxious about getting things ready, and it is something like the nesting urge, except instead of a baby room I think about a memorial service and our families' visiting plans. I am a planner and I want to be ready for every possibility.  In my own way, I am trying to take control of a situation that is so obviously out of my control.  I have to learn to be ok with many unknowns.  Many things need to be left in God's capable hands.  He knows my heart.  He knows what I ask for.  I will trust Him to decide what is best.

I am glad to see that some things I was anxious about before are falling into place.  I was especially feeling pressure about the decision about how and when Rachel should be born.  I had to make a decision that would be best for three parties - me, Rachel, and our families.  Although I always sensed freedom from our family in that regard, plans still needed to be made, time booked off work, flights booked.  But after a Dr. apointment on Monday, I felt as though many of my questions were cleared up - not all - but enough to say that we can go ahead with plans as they are!  If she does not come before May 21st, we will have a planned c-section on that day.  Also, I finally got confirmation that our siblings will be able to visit in Hospital (usually visiting policy does not allow this unless death is imminent)  Spring is a very busy time for our families, as it is Seeding time on the farm.  I am glad that my Dad now has someone working for him, which frees my mom up a little more to be out here with me.  I am so thankful that our family wants to be here with us and is making sacrifices to do so!! As I write these things, I realize how many of our needs are already being filled.      

On Sunday we were hugely blessed by our church!  An announcement was made that Dave is being given a one month compassionate leave, starting from the time of Rachel's birth.  Others will take over the pastoral needs while Dave is gone.  Afterwards, people gathered around us to pray for us and Rachel.  I was so moved by their tears and their obvious care for us.  This too was another event that God used to soothe the anxious thoughts in my heart.   

"Be still (Kendra)...Be still, and know that I am God...."

I still have so many questions.  God, help me to be still.   


Angela said...

Oh Rachel, how eagerly we look forward to meeting you! How ever long your stay with us, you are a miracle and a blessing to your parents and to this world. I will never forget you.

Kendra, you continue to inspire me. No matter what happens we will be with Rachel and Hazel again one day. As always my prayer is that God fills your soul will His peace. I think of you every day. You have a friend for life here - no matter what life brings. Love to you.

Elmer said...

What mixed feelings we have as we look forward to meeting Rachel!! Thanks again for expressing your feelings so eloquently, as well as your deep faith and hope. Love MOM F.