"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Monday, April 26, 2010

Feeling Sad..

May is nearly here! I long for everything to be over (pysical healing especially!) but at the same time I am dreading the pain I know we will feel.  And there is no avoiding our pain.  It will need to be borne.  We will need to walk through it to the other side.  I feel sadness for others too these days.  Maybe I even hold their pain closer to my heart than I would otherwise.  A close friend of mine just miscarried at three months.  One day there was a child, the next she/he is no more.  It brings back memories of when we lost our first pregnancy, also due in May. Other friends of ours have waited years to be pregnant with their first - I remember the agony of realizing that we too might not have children - what a deep deep pain -and my heart breaks for them.  

I know I should be thankful today.  And I often am! I have two beautiful children.  If I don't feel like getting out of bed because I want to be sad, they will climb over me, poke my eyes, and beg for attention.  I have no choice but get up and face a new day and that is a good thing.  They make me laugh and remind me that there is still so much good in this world.  But still, I will hold my daughter Rachel..and I will grieve what should/could have been.  Sometimes it will not be enough to know that she is in heaven.  Sometimes it will just hurt.  I will watch others with their babies and my arms will be empty.  My hormones will likely take me on a rollercoaster as they have before.  I know from our experience of miscarrying our first, that people who have not experienced this type of loss will wonder why it hurts us so much. 

Friends might avoid us because they wonder if they will say the wrong thing or they will just be uncomfortable with our sadness.   I know because I have been that friend.  But please please do not avoid us.  Ask us how we are doing.  We will want to talk about Rachel - she will be on our minds for a long time.  Hopefully, I too am learning to be a better friend to those who grieve.  I am also deeply comforted that there is Someone who is not afraid of my sadness and that when the darkness feels too strong, I can go to Him and pour out my heart. 

I am reading a devotional these days called "The One Year Book of Hope".  The author (who had 2 babies that died bc of a syndrome) writes, " Deep down we know that it is not a lot of  fun to be with someone who is sad.  But God loves brokenhearted people.  He doesn't avoid them. He is closer to you now than ever, waiting to talk with you, comfort you, and offer you hope and healing as you face the future." 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18


Valerie Ruth said...

kendra, i am hurting with you. i am so glad we have such a strong God to support us. otherwise the loss would feel so pointless. ps - you write beautifully.

Lorissa said...

Thanks for your honesty and openness in this blog. My heart aches for you and Dave... and the grief you are, and will, experience. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers... My prayer for you today is Eph. 3:16-19: "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power... to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Love you all.

Elmer said...

Sorry I didn't realize you had written so much already. I read it tonight, and I am thankful to you for making the effort to share your journey and your many feelings with us. I also really enjoyed the book by Debra Rienstra -- thanks for sharing it with me!!
Love you, am daily entrusting you all to our Good Shepher! Love MOM