10 Weeks and a Day

Today it seemed as though Rachel was responding to me in a different way and trying to...smile?  Another one of those things I didn't expect to experience and to be honest, it's not something I welcome.  It means we are getting to know Rachel as a little person.  I can't keep myself aloof from my daughter - I don't want to, nor do I want to keep Ethan and Abigail from enjoying her.  We all love her! But as she draws us in to our hearts, I can't help thinking of how much this is going to hurt all of us.  Ethan has been asking people lately if they want to kiss Rachel. (as though he is giving permission) When Rachel cries, Abigail tries to soothe her by stroking her cheek.  I seldom let my thoughts go this way, but just sometimes I imagine that Rachel as a 'normal' healthy little girl and we are enjoying her without this cloud hanging over us.  That picture feels so very far away from our reality.  I feel sad that Ethan and Abigail will not grow up with their little sister.  Sometimes it is a struggle to stay thankful. 


This past week we have been on survival mode.  Rachel got her second cold so she wasn't sleeping.  Dave got a bad cold and then my hay fever kicked in.  We both got acquainted with the Neti pot that's been sitting in our closet for 6 months.  I should have used it long time ago but I was dragging my feet. It feels pretty strange to use but I'm so amazed at what it's done for me.  If any of you are allergy sufferers, give it a try!  But, to get back on track - we are exhausted.  It didn't take long for that to happen again.  We are so very glad for the food our church friends left here! And for the Hospice that we will be going back to... tomorrow!!


Yesterday I was asked the question "How are you doing?" by two doctors.  I know they asked because they genuinely wanted to know and I appreciate their concern.  I replied with my usual automatic response.  "We're doing fine.  We have alot of support."  I think we really are doing ok most of the time.  We are doing what we need to do.  But hearing the question made me stop and pay attention to how I am really doing.  Truth is, I am afraid of how empty our house will feel.  I am afraid of people forgetting about Rachel.  I am afraid that I won't be able to let her go and in my sadness, not be a good mother and wife. I am afraid that losing Rachel will affect us in ways we can't predict.  Please pray for both Dave and I, that we will continue to live one day at a time and to place our fears in God's capable hands.  The Great I AM is with us now in the present.  I want to believe it.  I want to live it. 


As for Rachel's STATS, her oxygen levels are still in the mid 60's.  She is still 5 pounds 8 ounces.  I'm attatching a picture of her at her apointment yesterday. She has filled out her carseat, hasn't she?  And you can't see it, but the words on her bum say "Loved Baby"  Is she ever! 

One more thing. I have been feeling like a lousy friend.  It's been so hard to return calls, emails or get together with you.  I feel like I have so little to give right now. I would probably feel this way even with a healthy third child.  But I want you to know I appreciate you.  Thank-you for waiting. Thank-you for your patience.  You are important to me.  That sounds a bit like a recorded message.  I really do mean it though.