"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Hard Days

These are hard days.  Rachel has been having more 'blue periods' lately - times when she seems to be having difficulty breathing.  And then yesterday at 6pm, she had a full-blown heart spell.  She slept for four straight hours after that, something she only does after a spell.  She only had one good feed (40mls) the whole day, an amount that she was doing almost every hour or two until a few days ago.  Her fontanel was sunk in again this morning.

Then, she had a hard night (very little eating, weak crying) followed by a very terrible spell this morning at 7:30 am.  Our weekend respite worker brought her up to us and she was quite shaken by it. This was the first time she has seen a spell.  I still feel shaken by it too.  I don't want her to suffer like this anymore and I prayed that God would take her home. I asked God to comfort her.  I even asked that God would show her the angels surrounding us and a view of heaven.  We said to her that she could go.

But, it still wasn't her time to go home. She is here in front of me now, playing with a crinkly book.  The house is quiet.  Dave took the kids to the Big Train Show with some other friends.  Sometimes Rachel looks over to stare at me.  She has given me one slow smile and it made my heart so very glad to see it.   I have needed this time with her for a long time.  I am listening to music and reading the Bible, hungrily.  It is so healthy and healing to cry.  This is what I read this morning...

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see.

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. *It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

*(Our faith is being tested not in a 'pass or fail' kind of way but God is giving us the opportunity to discover that the faith we pay lip service to, really works - it is the real deal.  And this discovery gives us JOY.")

...The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. This salvation was something even the prophets wanted to know more about when they prophesied about this gracious salvation prepared for you. They wondered what time or situation the Spirit of Christ within them was talking about when he told them in advance about Christ’s suffering and his great glory afterward. They were told that their messages were not for themselves, but for you..... It is all so wonderful that even the angels are eagerly watching these things happen."

A song that I listened to alot during my pregnancy is this one by Sara Groves.  And it has been playing in my mind these past few days too.  There is so much that I can't see right now.  But there is a BIGGER story that we are part of.  And a BIG God who has all this under His control.  And this does give me comfort as we keep travelling these unknowns, day after day, spell after spell.  (some days more than others!)

From This One Place
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

ps - If you are reading this far, thanks to my (several!) friends who are checking up on my vitamin intake and sleep:)  I am taking my vitamins, thank-you! I do wish there was some magic pill to stop my eye from twitching (three weeks now)....if there is one, please let me know...;)


Anonymous said...

Don't know if I have ever left a comment, but I am reading and following often. I think you've come full circle now, and the fact that you are able to tell Rachel that she could go home, will give you peace when she does. When we give a loved one the freedom to go, we can be assured that it is His will in all of this. Tears on my cheeks and my heart is broken for all that your family has been through this past year, Rachel will truly be missed. We love you very much. Christine, Paul, Dexter, Hedi, Kristi, and Melodi.

Brenda Funk said...

Yes, tears. I like your comment about the testing of our faith not being pass/fail, but in order to show us that it truly is real. Prayers and hugs to you all.

Kari said...

Praying for you and Rachel. She's a strong little one and as we can see such a joy. May God's love surround you and grant you the assurance you are looking for during these hard time.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Such hard words to live by and yet comforting too!

Janet said...

The Lord is with you through everything you face.
I am praying that our Almighty God will continue to carry you & each of your family members through these very trying days.May you rest in His care.
Rachel has been giving us all so much joy just by seeing that smiley face..She is a very beautiful little baby.
May you continue to feel His love by the many who support you.
Much love
Janet M

Noella said...

I needed to read this today. Thank you for speaking to my heart through your honesty and openness.
Love and hugs

Martha said...

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face....(I Cor. 13:12)always been a comforting verse to me when I don't understand things that are happening.)

fawne said...

your clinging faith is beautiful.
kendra...i got that eye twitching thing after wyatt died. weird. i thought maybe it was from lots of tears. i still have it at times.

Anonymous said...

May the Lord in mercy shine his face upon you and give you peace. I've had the eye twitch thing when in a time of stress....don't know of a supplement except resently I've been taking Gaba for stress and nervousness. Love Roselle

Jerry said...

Perhaps, just perhaps, Rachael has been waiting for you to tell her it is okay to go. Your little angel has touched the lives of many. How precious she is. Holding you and your family lovingly in our hearts. Mom always said we will leave not a minute too soon or a minute too late.
Hugs. Jerry and Sharon Schock ( Sarah Walls daughter)

Kathy and Carl said...

Our hearts are heavy and so we pray for you. We pray for peace and comfort as God reveals himself through scripture and song. We pray for lil' Rachel....

One thing that I have been thinking about constantly is that God is always awake. He never stops watching us, carrying us.