"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Each Day has enough Trouble of it's Own

Overall it has been a very good week. Rachel is doing well.  She is eating ALOT these days - as if she is half starved, and often every half hour.  I also just fed her about 5 tlbs of oatmeal and prunes! This is more than her usual formula feed.  She had a massive big soft poop this morning which was cause for some celebration;)  We think Rachel is starting to wave good-bye (intentionally) at people.  We have had some time together as a family.  I have felt more connected to friends than I have in a long time. And I have just finished reading a few good books that have encouraged and inspired me.  But I have to be honest - there have also been a few days when I have felt a bit like this picture of our pantry on Sunday night. 

We had been getting ready to go to friends. Our house was a complete disaster and I was already on the verge of pulling my hair out because there was no place to walk - the kids had erected some sort of fort in the middle of our living room and I couldn't find anything. And then I heard a huge crash from the kitchen. Dave said he had just opened the pantry doors and then the top shelf just collapsed and took out the one below it. Thankfully, Rachel was not in her usual place in front of the pantry. It could have been so much worse. (I shudder now to think of a heavy container of oatmeal falling on her head) But I didn't think about this right away. All I could think of is how everything seems to be breaking...and the chaos of my house seemed to symbolize so much more...

I'm sure you know what I mean. "Just put one more thing on my shelves and it's all going to come crashing down." There was a day last week when I was suddenly overwelmed with tiredness. I wanted to crawl into bed and not have to deal with anything or do anything.  I know that Rachel's spells had played a part in how I was feeling.  I think the stress of them seems to show itself a few days afterwards. But I also felt shaken, and unmoored somehow...and sad because of stories we had been hearing that week.  A three year old boy suddenly started seizuring and is in hospital now in an induced coma so doctors can find out what is wrong. Another girl we know from the Flames House had a spinal go very wrong and her mom says they had to keep the incision open.  She had already spent 5 weeks in the hospital. 

I have had to wrestle this week with those old fears and doubts again.  What if that happened to Ethan and Abigail?  What if I had to give up not just one child, but two or three? What if there is some disease in their bodies that will only show itself in a year, five years...? Would/could I still trust God's love for us? Yesterday I looked back at some of the emails we received from friends in those early days of Rachel's diagnosis.  Dave also reminded me too of the devotional I had shared on the blog, about fear.  It's called  "Grace When We Need It"  I had to read it again today, twice.  It is so hard sometimes to take my gaze off of my fears and put it back where it belongs - on the timely Grace of God.  But I know that if I don't, I will be crushed and paralyzed by my fear.  And I so want to live differently!

How do you deal with your fear?


fawne said...

kendra....your genuine heart is inspiring. you are doing well and i'm so grateful for you!
the only way i can deal with my fear is by "going there." i have to ask myself...what if the worst happened? what if all my fears came true? would God still be good? would He give me what was necessary to make it through? is He able to bring beauty from the most horrible circumstances imaginable? i am learning that fear can only reign if I believe something untrue about God. what a tremendous battle of the mind though! wow. i will pray for you!
you are in a time of major testing....emotionally, physically and spiritually. you're doing well. keep on! keep on!
love you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kendra and Dave! I've been reading your blog since last fall - I've often prayed for you and have been so glad to see how Rachel has exceeded expectations. God has a plan for her in your family and she won't leave until he's completed it. I just decided to comment today because I was dealing with fears on the weekend and ended up in Deuteronomy 7, 8 and 9. As I wondered what those stories had to do with me, I realized that God doesn't want us to fear those things that are in His control. And since that's EVERYTHING it means I have to give him those fears and trust His perfect love for me. Hard. But worth it.
Much joy to you this week - Janelle Hildebrand

Carol Taves said...

Thanks for your honesty in sharing your thoughts, Kendra. That whole fear thing is part of my daily battle and I wish I had a great answer for you on how to deal with it (and make it go away forever, please God) but I don't. I just know that it keeps me dependent on God for strength to get through each day, and I spend a lot of time praying for God to renew my mind from the anxious patterns of thinking - I try to practice Philippians 4:8; I think your thankfulness notebook is a great way to combat anxiety. Praying for peace for you today.