Rachel is doing well. Her feeds are way down today though, she is sleeping unusually long and we are expecting another bm soon, which I am trying hard not to think about. And us? We are feeling worn in many ways. As time goes on, we can't help asking the question - How long God? She has turned our lives upside down - and we love her immensely, but we are so weary. As David has said "our back yard is full of all the plans we keep chucking out the window". I catch myself saying 'if she were healthy, we could....let her cry it out, we could visit our families in Manitoba, we would do alot of things..." We haven't been out east in over a year. I am tired of endlessly heating and reheating little bits of milk just so we can help our little girl to live. I am weary of jumping at each cry. I will do it over and over again because I love Rachel deeply and I want her to live. And I know these disappointments are 'small' things in the whole picture, but they keep adding up...
And the strain of everything being turned upside down is too much sometimes. And I am beginning to feel seeds of resentfulness. I am irritated by demands from my kids. I am sad about the strain put on our marriage and on our family. Sometimes this feels like too much God. It's too much.
I wrote the previous paragraphs this morning. This afternoon, I had exactly enough un-interrupted time to listen to my friends tell their story of their son Wyatt - you can find it by clicking here. All I can say is 'wow'. I had started listening a couple times but today I got all the way to the end. I knew their story. But today I listened with different ears. (The theme that day in church was debunking the myth 'God won't give me more than I can handle.') I was struck by the words she ends with. "Did God give me more than I could handle? Yes. Over and over and over again. But I'm so glad, so incredibly thankful that God allowed us to have a handicaped son. Because God revealed himself through our son.....I want to encourage you not to be afraid of pain..or of being weak or of impossible situations because we have a Father who is longing to show Himself strong on your behalf..."
(most of the following was written yesterday)
Rachel, I am sorry. I once thought that if I could just give birth, then I would mourn you and somehow move on. Maybe even get pregnant again and make the immense sacrifices again to have what we wanted - three living children. We had other dreams too, ideas of where God was leading us in life. I thought of my "pregnancy with a child who would die" as terrible and life-changing to some extent, but also as wrong timing - and this baffled me for awhile. It seemed like a very significant bump in the road, but still a bump nonetheless. Now I know I was so very very wrong. I know now your life is impacting us in more ways than I could have imagined. This really came home to us the first time we almost lost you - when your heart stopped. Nothing could have prepared us for that. And nothing has looked the same since that day.
There's still so much I don't see but I am starting to understand that you are perfect timing. God's hand is in this - I am seeing bits and pieces of his work - in me and in others who are affected by your life. We still don't know all the ways that knowing you will shape us - and the directions our lives may take because of you. It is terrible sometimes to think of the pain - of the breaking that will happen yet. This journey is turning out to be much more difficult than we could have imagined. So much more than we can handle. But He is faithful. And He is strong. He will take us through.
|And now the more realistic picture of the last 4 days or so. (except today) - |
unhappy because of those teeth breaking through.
She is wearing Abigail's newborn outift.