As I looked through the baby girl section - I realized very quickly that there was nothing small enough to fit her.
My 6 month old daughter doesn't even fit 0-3 month clothes.
Except for the onesies, I could not find any clothes to fit my 6 month old daughter.
That fact stunned me more than it has for a long time. The happy Christmas music was playing in the background, clashing with the 'off feeling' in my chest. It felt so wrong to be there. I should be admiring the little dresses but I can't even look at them. Often when I look at my daughter, I don't really "see" that she is too small. She's Rachel! And I think she's the most beautiful little person in the world! Nothing will change that...but today her smallness hit me in a new way. And my heart broke for her.
Later today we put up the Christmas tree - it was a spur of the moment thing. I know - it seems crazy early. (although I do happen to know a few others who did it too!) But we are away at the Flames House next week and thought it would be nice to have up for when we get back. Dave's parents are out at the end of the month and who knows if we'll see them at Christmas...All the decorations are hung at the very bottom of the tree (courtesy of Ethan and Abigail). We had a good time earlier too - making snow angels and stomping around in the snow, while respite took care of Rachel. I love my family. Thank-you for them God.
I still have a song in my head from my faveorite Christmas album. (Yes, we even played Christmas music...)
"Ready my heart for the birth of Immanuel
Ready my soul for the prince of peace
heap the straw of my life for his body to lie on
light the candle of hope
let the child come in..
mine is the home that is broken and barren
mine is the stable of cold and stone
break the light to each corner of doubt and darkness
now the word is made flesh for the birth of me"
(in Steve Bell's Christmas cd - by Lois Shuford)