"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Saturday, November 27, 2010

ahhhh She's sleeping...

We just had another night to remind us why we have respite!  Rachel was wide awake from 3am until 8:30am.*  Dave brought her upstairs to me around 6am.  He wanted to do some studying with her in the first half of the night so I'm not sure how much sleep he got! 

*Rachel only slept till 9:30 and was basically up until 3pm (with one little cat nap in my Aunt Barb's arms) She only had one hour of sleep in a 12 hour stretch....that was very unusual for her.

Good news though - Abigail is fine!  I even have my doubts that she had the flu at all.  I wonder if she just threw up with her coughing.  It's so dry now - especially at the Hospice.  Thank-you everyone for your notes and prayers for us.

I have not been a great friend lately.  No, it's true. I haven't.  I have been forgetting to get back to people about getting together, I don't even feel like initiating a get together sometimes.  I'm so sorry.  The friends I have are very important to me.  But I have been feeling like I am always somewhere else - lost or distracted.  Some of you have been patiently 'initiating' for almost a year now.  I know what we are going through must be hard to understand sometimes.  I don't even understand the changes that are happening in me.       

Yesterday morning Ethan was at playschool and my neighbor friend had Abigail - she had some other little girls there too so Abigail had such a blast with them.  I was taking advantage of the time and cleaning up the house - and suddenly - no warning - I was sobbing. And I could not stop.  I had not cried in a long time and although it was so hard - scary even - to walk into some of the pain and disappointment again - it was good to just let the tears flow. I was thinking too of so many of my friends - connected to the Flames House, and those I know in church, who are going through hard times right now.    

And then I just sat next to Rachel...and watched her....and marveled at the beauty of her hands.  So tiny, so delicate, so expressive.  And I stayed there, in that moment for some time.  It was so good to just be in that moment with her.  So good for my heart..  

The sideways soother is becoming a "Rachel thing".
(yup, she sticks it in that way herself - and often holds it in with one finger)
"Look up mommy" she says.



Noella said...

I'm so glad it didn't turn into an "all-family flu". Ours was only one kid and only 24 hours so we are thankful too.

I love seeing pics of Rachel. What a beauty! Does she turn the soother herself to get it sideways? That's cute.

And just so you know, the rest of us go thru stages of neglecting friends and need a kick to get out there and socialize too. Lets call it a stage and then we know that this shall pass and good friends will be waiting when we are ready.
Love and hugs

Angela said...

Be patient with yourself friend, you are doing what you can right now and that is more than enough for those that truly care for you. Sending love and understanding, and always reading and praying.

Anonymous said...

Love the pictures of Rachel, she is so cute.
We are praying for your family all the time and we love you all dearly.

Evan and Mel

fiona said...

kendra, i am so thankful for you and rachel, that you were able to just 'be with her in the moment . . . '. a little glimpse of grace. and glad too to hear of your sobs. i don't know why, but crying can be so healing. my kids looked at all the pictures on your blog this morning. for some reason, they have not looked at this blog - i suppose that has to do with the fact that generally when i am on the computer, they are not supposed to disturb me (i get so grumpy when i am trying to email and such and my kids keep asking me a thousand and one questions). so this morning, they looked at all the pictures and got pretty fixated on the ones of rachel going in for her MRI. i think this is going to help them understand how we pray for you each night. they also really liked the card that ethan and abigail made :D so glad abigail did not get the flu. hopefully this will keep rachel well too!
love you!

Carol said...

Just wanted to post a quick note to encourage you. Please don;t feel guilty about not wanting to be around people during times like these. I believe there are times when we need the peace and quiet of no one. Sometimesnot even our husband, bless their hearts, can understand our need for "alone" time to process all the things going through our heads. When we have a sick child, we need to just "be" with God. To vent to Him because His shoulders are large enough to handle our tears and anger and frustration. I myself spent many times with my head on His shoulder questioning and crying "Why?" Do not be so hard on yourself, dear one. Jesus has you in His lap holding you and Rachel for the time to be with Him. Your friends will understand your time to be flustered, angry, and wanting to be alone. Just rest in Him, dear child, and "be".
You are greatly loved.

Janet said...

The words that Carol put are so real.There are times when we just have to have alone time...Just with Jesus.,,A friend is a friend at all times& yes they will understand.Don't feel bad about yourself.We all love you & care about you all :).I love the Foot Prints poem.Let Jesus carry you when you can't
Much love & prayers
Janet M