"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rollercoaster of Emotion

I have been moved by alot of things lately...but there are three things that really stick out in my mind.

1. Walking into the Flames House and seeing this package left for us by Alexander's parents.  It was a bag of toys that Alexander had not had a chance to play with. (and they thought he would have wanted to share them with our kids) Also, seeing the lamp lit for him downstairs.  (meaning a child has recently passed away in the House) We won't forget you Alexander!
 2. Reading a Letter to Rachel written by a dear friend.  (she has given permission for me to share it with you)  What a blessing you have been to us - a source of encouragment in this journey. You express so well in this letter some truths about God and Rachel's life. Thank-you! To read it, click on this link. Beauty in Weakness

3. Seeing pictures that were Gifted to us by a new Friend (and amazing photographer!) Check these out!  http://www.chelseyrobertsphotography.com/blog/  What an incredible gift Chelsey! We have looked through these pictures several times - laughing and crying both because they are so achingly beautiful.  We will never forget that day! We were preparing all day to help her 'poop' - she had not had one since the first 'episode'.  And suddenly we had this perfect window - you came in short notice - and Rachel was so happy.  It was like Someone was orchestrating this....  

How do I explain the past few days? 
Lots of emotion
stress - (a doctor likened it to post traumatic stress disorder)
laughter too!

Because of the stress after Friday's episode, we decided to move back to the Flames House on Sunday night. I now have an entirely different view of what life is like for people with sick kids.  I honestly had no idea.  Now we measure time by her bm's and watch a bit anxiously for signs of another one coming.  It has taken her a bit of time to recover (from Friday) but yesterday and today she is SO HAPPY.  We relax a bit and enjoy her.  But always in the back of our minds, we wonder how long until she is not ok again.  I am having trouble sleeping.  I am more irritable and have a desperate need to cocoon myself away.  It feels like my heart is in my throat all the time....and it's only been a week.  How do people do this for longer?  

Ethan and Abigail are staying with Grandma Plett at our house - they are travelling back and forth to visit us.  This has given us some space to try and uncoil ourselves a bit.  Yesterday night we revisited some of the funeral ideas we had made while I was pregnant.  This morning we started putting together some pictures for a slide show.  It was painful - the tears were flowing - but it was a good time for us too.  We need this time together, without the older two. (and they need a break from us!)

Yesterday morning we had a pretty neat moment in the Dining Room.  Rachel was really hamming it up for some of the staff. (picture below) She sure has been turning on the charms alot here!! Then, we waited till my mom brought the kids over (in case things didn't go well) and we gave Rachel a suppository.  Thankfully, she had a small bm and it went well. We may decide to do this every two days.  (They seem harder - maybe because she has been moving and feeding less?) What a rollercoaster of emotion we are on!!!


annamarie saarinen said...

Just wanted to check in and let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you. Peace, Annamarie

Noella said...

I love how the photos capture every beautiful part of Rachel. And the first one of you and Dave holding her is stunning.
Thinking of you all day every day and praying for strength and sleep for you.

Sarah and Will Carver said...

Rachel is beautiful and so are your other little ones:)If you dont mind be asking, I was wondering what Rachel's heart defect is? I was trying to find it in your blog but if it's in there, i didn't see it. Your family will be in my prayers. Rachel is such a miracle.

Valerie Ruth said...

hey! i started my day off crying by reading the letter your friend wrote and ended it crying watching the slide show. i also love the photo on your blog of the staff just swooning over your little girl. you amaze me.

Marge said...

Thinking of you and your family and praying for strength and sleep through this time. You have very beautiful children. We pray that you continue to lean on our Father through the episodes and the days to come. Take care.

Erin said...

Rachel has imprinted on so many hearts. Fawn's letter is so beautiful and the pictures, they take your breath away. Thank you for having the strength to share your heart with us and your beautiful little girl. I like how Val uses the word "swooning", what a faboulous description! How can you not swoon over her delighted little smiles and that sparkle in her eyes! She is just cute as a button that little woman of yours! we are thinking of you today & praying all goes well with the MRI. It sounds like it will be quite a day.

Anonymous said...

The pictures are stunning....oh she is so sweet and beautiful....my heart goes out to all of you....L-lew