"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them close to his heart, and shall gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

Saturday, June 5, 2010

15 Days Old

Tonight I put Ethan and Abigail to bed for the first time in weeks. It was so good for me to connect with them again..it has been awhile since I've felt that I could give space and attention to them. We needed that to happen. Dave and I have also needed space to talk with each other and being at home has helped us do that a bit more.

Rachel had a good day. She had alot of alert periods. She has even smiled for us and the room just lights up - and I don't care what you say about babies smiling because of gas. And her milk intake levels were really high too...so much that i'm having a hard time keeping up with the demand! I guess this means I'll have to get up a few extra times in the night but that's ok.

This afternoon, Dave took the kids to the Library while I stayed at home with Rachel. I spent a large part of the time just holding Rachel in my hands and listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's latest cd. He wrote these songs after his 5 year old daughter was killed in an accident. I listened to this cd alot while I was pregnant - maybe Rachel remembers...It makes me long for heaven. It makes me long for a day when there is no more death, no more enemy...and everything is made new and right. A day when babies will no longer die and we will never be separated from those we love again...And I wonder what it will be like for her to take her last breath here and then to wake in the arms of Jesus...

"I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, "Look, the home of God is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will remove all of their sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever." Rev. 21:3-4

I have felt incredible sadness today, but it is infused with Hope too. (and this is not the hope of wishful thinking) "Solid Ground of Hope, I want to drive the stake of my life deep into your very words of life and eternal hope, knowing that this daily decision will keep my life from collapsing when the wind of adversity blows." - Nancy Guthrie


Elmer said...

I am glad you are all back home and trying to find some 'normal' in your life! Your post made me cry too. Wish I could be there to hold Rachel -- and I would love to see her smile. It absolutely amazes me how well Rachel manages.

Angela said...

How wonderful for you all to be together!

I feel the joy and sadness from you and it makes my heart hurt because I understand the longing for heaven.

I have a selfish request for you today Kendra-can you maybe whisper into Rachel's ear that when she wakes in Jesus' arms that she finds my little Hazel and tells her how much her mommy misses her?

Always thinking of you.

Larissa said...

I was sent your blog by a friend- we are actually sort of neighbors with your in-laws.... You have an incredible story and blessings to you and your little Rachel as you are enjoying the life you have together with her.
Thank you for writing this out for others to see and be encouraged about how truly good and faithful God can be in the middle of extreme uncertainty, hurt and pain.
Praying for you, and that you feel His arms wrapping your family up in love and peace.

Erin said...

I agree Kendra! Babies smile! Gas shmash, they can smile, your getting real smiles!

fiona said...

i have to say 'amen' to the real smiles bit :D my friend once hypothesized that babies smile because they are seeing all the angels and i kind of like that too :D the veil that separates them from the realm of the spiritual seems thinner than the veil that keeps us from that realm . . .
kendra, my mother's heart aches and cries along with yours. what a gift rachel is and what a loss yours will be. we pray for you every day and will not stop!! thank-you for writing and opening your heart to us . . . we love you!