....and I think the jet lag is finally wearing off. It is so good to be home again, if even for a little while. Next week Dave and I will be at a marriage retreat!!! I'm not sure what to expect because we have never done this before but I am starting to look forward to it. I think it is a good time for it too. While Berlin was amazing and we were really happy about spending time with Jenn and Paul in their home, it was also a pretty difficult time relationally for Dave and myself. I have his permission to say that. (his suggestion actually) We might even write a post one day, together, about our time there and how the last few years of stress, grieving the loss of Rachel etc... has affected us. (And I'm sure there was the normal stresses of being on vacation together too!) We are doing much better now and our three days in Prague on our own was really good for us. But a whole week is even better! We are flying my mom out to take care of the kids.
Both Dave and I are finding that the permanence of Rachel being gone is sinking in more and more. She has left us and she will not come back to us. We will go to her. And the reality of that is so hard sometimes. I wonder if it will always feel like our family is incomplete. Someday I might write more of how that is affecting us. I also want to write more about our Berlin trip in general and I have tried a few times, but the words just aren't coming and I am not sure I know why. So I will try again when we get back in a week!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Happy 17th month bday Rachel!
Rachel would be 17 months old today. Oh, I miss her. I hated those spells and I do not miss the constant feedings but I do miss her soft skin, the way it felt to hold her, her smiles and sparkly eyes. The other day I walked by the sleepers in Costco and saw the last one that I dressed her in, for the hearse. I felt what it was like to hold her in that sleeper. How can I explain that kind of hurt? Dave said the other day that now we have a tether to heaven, and we will never be the same again. I know in my heart that this is true, that our loss is strangely a gift as well. A gift that will help to keep me alive and open to God. But sometimes it is still hard to accept that she couldn't stay with us - that her health would have been the better gift. I know it doesn't help anything, but I imagine what it would be like to have Rachel sitting with us at the table, babbling by now, seeking her older sibling's attention. Oh, what joy it would be to have her here...but healthy and well.
A friend sent me a reading (from her Book of Prayer) while we were in Berlin. There was a line in it that struck a deep cord in me. Here it is:
Woman
Mom
Mary of rattling tea cups and homemade cookies
Mary of open door, open hearth, open heart
Queen of warmth and hospitality
Mary of varicose veins and chapped hands
Strong, fragile woman
Vulnerable, unshakable woman
Believer in love, reality, people, God
Back stooped and ear bent in listening to life's stories and to the giver of life
Stubborn fidelity to life in the face of death
Unflinching spirit that stares light into the darkness of the tomb
Heart that breaks and pours love over the thirsty earth
Missing her son when he is gone to another home
Looking up in the sudden expectancy of hearing his voice
Smiling wryly to herself and waiting
Waiting, gestating the kingdom once more
Growing in expectancy of second birth - this time her own
The moment of reunion rushes to meet her with open arms
And their laughter rocks the universe
Sending happy shock waves to echo in our dreams
Tugging our reluctant mouths into smiles of hope and anticipation.
Amen, it will be so, Amen.
- from Gathering the Fragments by Edward J. Farrell
Isn't that so beautiful? Are you too, longing for the laughter that rocks the universe, that cosmic reunion? And somehow reading that, thinking of what is coming, helps me to wait. It helps me to be patient. Because it is coming, I can live now.
Happy Birthday Rachel!
A friend sent me a reading (from her Book of Prayer) while we were in Berlin. There was a line in it that struck a deep cord in me. Here it is:
Woman
Mom
Mary of rattling tea cups and homemade cookies
Mary of open door, open hearth, open heart
Queen of warmth and hospitality
Mary of varicose veins and chapped hands
Strong, fragile woman
Vulnerable, unshakable woman
Believer in love, reality, people, God
Back stooped and ear bent in listening to life's stories and to the giver of life
Stubborn fidelity to life in the face of death
Unflinching spirit that stares light into the darkness of the tomb
Heart that breaks and pours love over the thirsty earth
Missing her son when he is gone to another home
Looking up in the sudden expectancy of hearing his voice
Smiling wryly to herself and waiting
Waiting, gestating the kingdom once more
Growing in expectancy of second birth - this time her own
The moment of reunion rushes to meet her with open arms
And their laughter rocks the universe
Sending happy shock waves to echo in our dreams
Tugging our reluctant mouths into smiles of hope and anticipation.
Amen, it will be so, Amen.
- from Gathering the Fragments by Edward J. Farrell
Isn't that so beautiful? Are you too, longing for the laughter that rocks the universe, that cosmic reunion? And somehow reading that, thinking of what is coming, helps me to wait. It helps me to be patient. Because it is coming, I can live now.
Happy Birthday Rachel!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Just Saw This Picture for the First Time Tonight....
Thank-you Val!! Oh, she is so beautiful and it makes me miss her so very much. I was just downstairs trying to smell her in this very same blanket, just before opening my FB to see this....She looks SO FULL of LIFE....I want to scoop her up and bite her and feel her lips on my face. I want SO BADLY to kiss those soft little feet and feel her toes curl against my face.
Please pray for Noah
In the past little while, it has seemed that so many people we know have just received difficult news and are now facing new unknowns in their life. Some of our friends are facing some difficult news about the health of their children. And their news has shaken me in ways I can't fully explain right now. Having just said good-bye to one child, I struggle with fears of my own - that my 'healthy' children will die too. I know that our Shepherd is Good, and he has carried us and provided for us until now. But still my mind races ahead...and I wonder "Will He be Good then?" And again, I wrestle and choose to trust Him because we have known Him to be faithful. I know your list is long too, but would you join me in praying today for one of these friends of mine?
Their names are Darryl and Kara Dedert. Maybe you have already read their blog and you know that they have a child named Calvin who has special needs. And that they recently heard the news that their older son needs to have heart surgery. (his aorta is narrowing) I have never met them in person - we were introduced by a mutual friend - but her story, her honesty in wrestling with the hard questions, and daily choosing to keep trusting her Good Shepherd - has spoken loads to me. I can't remember when I was first introduced to them but I feel a deep connection to her, because of our two children - Calvin and Rachel. We'll be in Germany when the surgery takes place but a piece of my heart will be with them that day. We pray that they will know the peace and presence of their Heavenly Father.
The surgery date for Noah is set for October 3rd.
http://www.karadedert.com/
Their names are Darryl and Kara Dedert. Maybe you have already read their blog and you know that they have a child named Calvin who has special needs. And that they recently heard the news that their older son needs to have heart surgery. (his aorta is narrowing) I have never met them in person - we were introduced by a mutual friend - but her story, her honesty in wrestling with the hard questions, and daily choosing to keep trusting her Good Shepherd - has spoken loads to me. I can't remember when I was first introduced to them but I feel a deep connection to her, because of our two children - Calvin and Rachel. We'll be in Germany when the surgery takes place but a piece of my heart will be with them that day. We pray that they will know the peace and presence of their Heavenly Father.
The surgery date for Noah is set for October 3rd.
http://www.karadedert.com/
My Daddy's Lap
The last week has been so busy - our minds occupied with plans for our Berlin trip (leaving tomorrow!) and with so much other life stuff too. But there have been times when the dam has broken and the tears have flowed. Times when no amount of distraction or business will save me. Yesterday night after a very full day, I was washing my face and suddenly it hit again. Our little girl, the one I gave birth to, is really gone. And somehow these moments hurt so much more when they don't sneak up - when they just wham you on the head, on the heart.
Another time was a few days ago. I was driving to the gym. And I popped a CD in the player, one that a friend had made for us, a collection of poems that she's written. This was the first track on the CD. And all of a sudden I was sobbing. It hurt so very much, and I was scared that I could never stop but at the same time, I knew that I needed it. I needed to grieve. I needed to remember. And this picture of our Father holding our little Rachel, holding us - was exactly what I needed to see that day. And this was the image still in my mind, when I bought the Willow Tree figurine for David, later on that same day.
Our friend wrote it for another family, whose little boy died. I forget the details now. Originally the pronouns were male. But, on the CD we listened to, the pronouns were female. (just got an email from her, saying that this is Rachel's version!) This was read by the author's daughter (Abby) - which made it that much more powerful for me. I could picture our Abigail saying it too. Thank-you so much....
My Daddy’s Lap
My Daddy’s lap is a very good place.
It’s where I go when I’m too sad to play.
Sometimes Daddy rocks me.
Sometimes we talk about things.
Sometimes I fall asleep.
My Daddy puts his arms around me,
And holds me tight against his chest.
I can hear his heartbeat,
And I know I’ll feel better soon.
Even though I still have more tears.
When my little sister went away,
I asked my Daddy where she went.
Daddy said she was too sick to play anymore,
So she climbed into God’s lap for a rest.
God's lap is the best place of all, Daddy said.
When God puts His arms around you,
And holds you tight against His chest,
You can hear His heartbeat.
And you feel better right away.
And you have no more tears ever again.
One day, a long time from now,
I’m going to climb into God’s lap, too.
I’ll snuggle in, right beside my little sister,
And know we’re in a very good place.
Just like my Daddy’s lap.
By Rachel Friesen
from her blog "Shelf Life"
Another time was a few days ago. I was driving to the gym. And I popped a CD in the player, one that a friend had made for us, a collection of poems that she's written. This was the first track on the CD. And all of a sudden I was sobbing. It hurt so very much, and I was scared that I could never stop but at the same time, I knew that I needed it. I needed to grieve. I needed to remember. And this picture of our Father holding our little Rachel, holding us - was exactly what I needed to see that day. And this was the image still in my mind, when I bought the Willow Tree figurine for David, later on that same day.
Our friend wrote it for another family, whose little boy died. I forget the details now. Originally the pronouns were male. But, on the CD we listened to, the pronouns were female. (just got an email from her, saying that this is Rachel's version!) This was read by the author's daughter (Abby) - which made it that much more powerful for me. I could picture our Abigail saying it too. Thank-you so much....
My Daddy’s Lap
My Daddy’s lap is a very good place.
It’s where I go when I’m too sad to play.
Sometimes Daddy rocks me.
Sometimes we talk about things.
Sometimes I fall asleep.
My Daddy puts his arms around me,
And holds me tight against his chest.
I can hear his heartbeat,
And I know I’ll feel better soon.
Even though I still have more tears.
When my little sister went away,
I asked my Daddy where she went.
Daddy said she was too sick to play anymore,
So she climbed into God’s lap for a rest.
God's lap is the best place of all, Daddy said.
When God puts His arms around you,
And holds you tight against His chest,
You can hear His heartbeat.
And you feel better right away.
And you have no more tears ever again.
One day, a long time from now,
I’m going to climb into God’s lap, too.
I’ll snuggle in, right beside my little sister,
And know we’re in a very good place.
Just like my Daddy’s lap.
By Rachel Friesen
from her blog "Shelf Life"
Friday, September 23, 2011
Happy Birthday David!
This year, instead of recieving the usual birthday fare from us - cd's and/or books - we gave Dave something completely different. I saw this yesterday at the Mall and it reminded me SO MUCH of how it looked, and felt to watch David love his little Rachel. And it was only a short time ago that he held her on his lap, just like this....
And Dave thought it was the perfect gift too! I love you Dave. You are a wonderful father to our three children. Rachel was so blessed to be loved so well by you!!
After we gave Dave his birthday present, we jumped in the van and headed for Strathmore. Our kids had check-ups with our family doctor - checking their heart beats, their weight, and we talked about a few concerns I have had for awhile - but still just minor ones. So glad we only have small conerns to think of right now - and so much feels small now in comparison. It felt so strange to be sitting in the same chair where I first heard the news about Rachel's brain anomaly and at it felt SO GOOD to be able to tell him the rest of Rachel's story. He was so interested in hearing about her and it was obvious that her story really moved him. He told us that when he was seven, he had a baby sister (two months old) that died. I told him how much I appreciated the way he had broken the news about Rachel to us and for his encouragement to see it through, whatever came, because he believed we would not regret it. I am so glad for doctors like him! And afterwards, the nurse added Rachel's picture to their 'wall of fame'.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sixteen Month Birthday
Rachel would be sixteen months old today. We miss you dear one. I found your baby spoons in the drawers today and it reminded me of how wonderful it was to watch you enjoy food for a solid week before you died. It makes me wonder what tastes you might be enjoying now. We love you!
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