Since Tuesday...

After I wrote on Tuesday, things did get better. I felt the light creeping slowly back into my spirit again.  So, if you did pray for us...Thank-you! Dave came home in the afternoon and we started working like crazy to get our house back in shape.  And then on Wednesday, we tackled the basement.  I cleaned up Rachel's old 'night' room for a new renter, a daughter of our friends.  It's ok. I felt ready. And it's been a joy getting to know her.  She will be staying with us for four months. 

oh, but Grief is such a hard journey....so many ups and downs....sometimes it hurts so bad, and other times that I expect might be hard, turn out to be fine.  I hate that.  I hate not knowing when or how the pain will hit. But anyway...I digressed...

We made the other basement room into Dave's office/my sewing room/kid's play room.  And then....I dug out the Ikea curtains that I bought shortly after we found out we were pregnant with Rachel.....and I hung them up in that room.  I remembered how excited I had once been, to start planning a baby room for her.  But this time I could remember and it was ok. It felt right to use them and I was glad I hadn't given them away.  They hang right in front of my sewing machine, where I hope (someday!!) to work on a memory blanket with her clothes. Seemed appropriate.   

This morning I woke up with the stomach flu. So we are laying low. (or I am, that is).  I have been helping the kids with crafts (ones that don't take much supervision).  I am noticing a change in my relationship with them lately - and it is a welcome one.  Not that long ago, I shared with Dave my feelings of guilt for being an 'absent' mother - through all the unknowns and sorrows with Rachel.  And I wondered if my relationship with Abigail in particular was affected, damaged in a sense, by all of this.  She seemed to have so much attitude with me. (maybe more than the usual 3 and 4 year old stuff) And I, in my pain, would lash out at her in frustration. It was so difficult, parenting when we felt so overwelmed with concerns for Rachel.  We prayed about it together and I started to pray more specifically about it as well.  I would say though, that in the last few months, I have sensed her gradually warming up to me.  I'm sure it has helped alot that I have had more time to give her my full attention. While on holidays, we played games together and did crafts.  We sit and cuddle ALOT more than when we had Rachel too. I am not saying that I expect my daughter and I to be the best of friends.  I was a teenager once too;) And I am still her parent. But it has been so good to see the changes that I prayed for. And to enjoy being together. 

This morning I found her sitting on the couch, holding two stuffed lambs that we received when Rachel was with us. She said that she missed Rachel.  And that she wants a sister to play with.  And so we sat there, we two, missing her together. 

ok...i need to make lunch for the crew here.  Although, it's hard to think of food with a stomach like mine today...blech. Thank-you for reading and for your support.  Laura, if you're read this - that book does look interesting. Thanks so much for thinking of me:)