Interview/Conversation for Radiothon

Hi! In case anyone is still reading....hee hee....it's been awhile since I've been on here!

Tomorrow Dave and I will be meeting with some people from the Alberta Children's Foundation, to do an interview for a Radiothon. (raises money for the Children's Hospital and Rotary Flames House).  They want it to be more of a conversation, which is great for me! But I'm still feeling a bit nervous about it.  I wasn't sure I even wanted to let people know about this. But I would appreciate your prayers. I do love to talk about our journey with Rachel. But it is alot easier for me to put my words together in writing, than to get them out in person.  I just hope I'm able to tell things clearly.  Depending on how it goes, I might let you know when that airs;)

So...after five months...am I still grieving? YOU BET! How often do I think of Rachel? ummm....pretty much all the time.  I am missing her dreadfully these days. In fact I have just come through a very difficult (mostly anxiety filled) week.  Alot of things played into this. But underlying much of it, is that I am still grieving. For the longest time now, I could hardly bear to see babies, let alone hold them. But sometimes I want desperatly to hold a baby, any baby.  It's still a pretty sporadic feeling. But yesterday in church, I asked to hold my friend's two month old baby and I stood in the back during the worship and wept.  It felt so right - my arms have felt so very empty. It felt like balm for my heart. And at the same time, it hurt so deeply because she wasn't Rachel.  Such a crazy mixture of feelings! What adds to the pain is that in the past month, I have had such intense baby cravings. And at the same time such dreadful fear of ever having to go through pregnancy again.  I feel nauseous, literally sick with fear, about it.  Sometimes, especially at night, I even think I am going crazy. And God seems silent and far away. I feel a bit afraid about being so honest here. And yet, I feel such a need for prayer these days.

This afternoon, I did some scrapbooking. It helped get me out of the rut I was stuck in. And brought on some good healthy tears. This is the picture I pasted in Abigail's book, of Rachel. It was taken roughly two weeks before she died.  Isn't she so incredibly beautiful??? oh, I miss her. I wonder what she's doing right now....and I wish so much that I could see her smile again. (I'm having a hard time waiting for heaven!)

In the Baby Swing at Dave's parents. Dave's mom thinks she was so happy because she felt like she was in the middle of all the action. The cousins were jumping on the trampoline just in front of the swing. She was SO happy in that swing.

One more.... I just saw this one again today and loved it. She looks so peaceful.