Ethan can be so very sweet sometimes. Just a little while ago, as I was cleaning up the kitchen, I suddenly felt so sad - so broken. I want my little girl so much. I tried to muffle my sobs so my kids who were playing in the next room, wouldn't hear. But Ethan heard. With my second or third sob, I heard him saying to Abigail that he had to go. He ran into the kitchen and said, "mommy? what is it?" I told him that I missed Rachel and he gave me a long hard hug.
oh, there's so much more I want to write yet. It's been so long. We are just beginning our first day together just the four of us, after 25 days of being with our families. And I think with the silence, everything is crashing in on me again this morning. Dave goes back to work tomorrow too. I thought I was ready - I have so many things on my 'To Do List"....but now it seems a bit meaningless. Please pray for me. Thank-you.
Kendra, I have been reading this book, I ordered it and wanted to read it first before recommending it to you. It is a woman whose son has died and she is a reasearcher. The book is called, After the Death of a Child, - living with loss through the years. by ann finkbeiner.
ReplyDeletehere is a clip of her intro:
I worry about newly bereaved readers who are desperate to know that the pain will go away and that things will be all right again.
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The book says that the pain never entirely goes away, and that whether things are all right again depends on what "all right" means. Nevertheless, the book is not depressing. If the parents I interviewed said any one thing, it was on the whole reassuring -not that they've gotten over their children's deaths or that they're better, stronger people for it, but that the amount of their pain is a measure of the amount of their love, that they've learned to live with the pain, and that they hope they do so in a way that does honor to the lives their children should have lived.
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I find this book fascinating as it mainly consists of gathered interviews of parents, 5 years plus after their child died.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that this deep void you feel is normal and the weight you feel that is crushing you is a natural reaction. You are not crazy, just someone who loved their child immensely.
their is more to say but my kids are going crazy upstairs...
Just remember that Rachel is not lost, and your absence from her is only temporary. While you are here on this earth may you take that deep love for Rachel and choose to live, because she would want her Mommy to do that. Choose to be happy because Rachel's days were happy when her Mommy was happy. Remember Rachel is blissfully happy right now because God has her. It's okay to choose life.
I hope that encourages you.
Lots of love,
Laura - your old friend.
ps. will pray for you today my sister.
we will pray for you too...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you are hurting. I will pray for you. For peace and comfort and for the grace to give yourself time.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a really good book...praying for you too, Kendra...the after Christmas blues...the intense pain... you loved Rachel so much and so much energy went into caring for her.
ReplyDeleteIt helps to share and get some additional prayer support. Some how one day at a time you can do it...but it is so hard...
Martha
I have so many pictures of Rachel sliding across my computer screen -- always brings a little twinge to my heart -- praying for both of you.
ReplyDeleteIt's always so hard to go back to being alone. Everything feels too quiet and too big and too empty. That gaping hole just feels so lonely sometimes. Praying for you, dear friend.
ReplyDelete"Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will NOT forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of MY hands." -Is.49:15, 16
p.s. It is good to have you back blogging again. I've missed hearing from you.
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