In Manitoba Again...

Yesterday we left Calgary at 6am and made the sixteen hour long trip across the prairies to visit our families.  Some of you said you had prayed for us as we travelled the same road we did with Rachel's casket four months ago! Thank-you! I think subconsiously I had been dragging my feet about going, because of this reason.  (sorry Moms and Dads!) It turned out to be a good trip though, laughter mixed in with the tears. We listened to some sermons by a pastor/professor friend of Dave's.  A reminder of how God's great power is at work in us, giving us endurance, and encouragement for the long road of life.  

At lunch we stopped at McDonalds to let the kids run. I watched two sisters play with each other - both about the same age as my own girls - and I yearned desperately, for a time when I could see them together like this too.  Then at suppertime, we stopped at the same McDonalds in Brandon Manitoba, where we had stopped on our last trip, with Rachel's casket in the back.  I told Dave that I just couldn't go in this time - and so we decided that I would go fill up the van with gas and pick up a sub for us, while he took the kids to the McD's playland. But then as soon as I stepped into the Quiznos, I was hit with other memories, ones I had forgotten.  Becuse this was the place where we had stopped with Rachel when she was alive.  I saw the highchair in the corner that we had turned upside down to put Rachel's carrier in, so that she could sit at eye level to us.  And I remembered the questions about her, the almost predictable surprised looks and expressions when we told her age.  I remember the nervousness I felt about driving so far with her, the unpredictable 'spells', but I also remember how good it felt to have all three of my kids.  And now our van seems so empty somehow, even though it is stuffed full with our belongings, and presents.  My mom said too that when we walked in, it felt that we had left a child behind somewhere, that we were missing someone. And we are...

Around 11:30pm, we drove past her grave in the night and arrived at my parents' place. It is now the afternoon of the next day and I still haven't been able to muster the courage to walk over there.  I know that she isn't really there but her earthly body is, and it is really hard for me to think about her body decaying under the ground.  And to remember the day we put it there. Dave went over this morning on his own.  I know I will go yet....but it might take a bit of time.....   

It's Been Four Months

Can it really be four months already?  It's so hard to believe.  I think I still feel a sense of shock that she really isn't here anymore.  I haven't had much time lately to write.  We have had a very full week here, with family visits! But I have been thinking of Rachel ALOT today.  Aching in the deep way that only a mother who has lost a child can ache. As I clean and organize places in our house that haven't been touched in a long time, I keep running into reminders of her sweet life.  Thank-you Father God for your precious gifts.  For your strength that carried us through the darkest nights. I have felt IMMENSE sadness today that I couldn't experience the joyful expectation of a healthy birth, but I give thanks for her life all the same.  For the sweet bond that I could know with her. And one day I will see you again Rachel!  oh, I can hardly wait... 


This is what I posted on FB awhile ago..."I miss Rachel so much today. It's the five (oops actually four) month anniversary of her death but all I can think about today is the day of her birth.  Bono said that "Freedom has a scent like the top of a newborn baby's head".  I think that's about right. What a lovely feeling it was to hold her and drink her in."