Rachel's soother

I saw a little boy sucking on Rachel's soother today.  Of course it wasn't really HER soother.  But it's not one I see often.  A rubber hospital orange one.  And literally, just this morning I had finally moved the soother that was sitting on top of her last dirty bib, on top of the filing cabinet, in the office where she died - and put it next to the kitchen sink to wash.  It was time.  We felt ready.  I let my hands run over the stickiness left by the tylonol we gave her sometime in her last days and I said good-bye....again. 

A few hours later I was standing in the entrance to Abigail's preschool class and I saw this boy sucking on the SAME ONE.  And the father laughed, said that his little boy had gone hunting and found his baby soother and wouldn't let it go.  And a big....hard.....lump grew in my throat.  I think I opened my mouth, thinking I should say something witty back, or at least laugh. I think I managed to smile.  And then, the moment passed. And we went home. 

Later on today, I was at Children's place, returning some boots.  And there were so many babies.  And toddlers.  And it just kept hitting me again and again how much I would LOVED to have experienced Rachel as a toddler.  I stood in line, smiled at the mom with the baby.....and ached.  I watched the father scold his little girl for wandering off.  I heard the exasperation, the tiredness in his voice. And I ached.  Because I would love to be tired and exasperated by my little bratty girl. 

My eyes kept drifting over to the baby girl section where I bought the last item of clothing for Rachel - a pink sweater to dress her body for burial.  I am so glad that I could do that for her.....and I remember how I walked through that store when I was pregnant, wondering if I would even get to dress her up in a pretty dress.  And I thanked God again for the gift of knowing her, even for so short a time.  She made me feel so alive, even though I felt sad sometimes too. 

Just another day out on the town....

And I wonder - who else do I see around me, walking around with hurts in their heart - that are unseen?  There is so much more than meets the eye.  It helps me have understanding, it helps me be a little more patient when someone doesn't respond the way I think they should.  Maybe someone else has just seen something that reminds them of their loved ones....their 'orange soothers' and they are speechless too.....

God, thank-you for never leaving my side today.  You were right there.  You are right here when the tears come and I think...you are crying with me....

I feel like I can almost hear my Grandpa Kornelsen singing this song...."What a friend we have in Jesus! All our sins and griefs to bear.....Are we weak and heavy-laden, Cumbered with a load of care? Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.......In His arms He’ll take and shield thee, Thou wilt find a solace there.