Just called Genetics to check in with them again. We're going to get a call back sometime today. At first we were told that we would hear test results around the six month mark and now it's been 18 months. It's a fairly new test so it is taking longer. Then there were a few mixups with the blood. They took cord blood initially, then realized they needed more. Rachel had blood taken a short time after birth. Then many months later, when I called to ask about results, they checked the chart and found that they STILL didn't have enough blood, so we took Rachel in for another prick. Not sure what to expect from their results. (if we get any) Not sure how I might feel or what use the information is to us now. But I am still curious....and a bit nervous none the less.
Sometimes in my more anxious moments, I think about what this might mean genetically for future grandkids. Or for Ethan and Abigail - what if something is different about their own hearts and we don't know it yet? I think of Ethan's kids too, but Abigail is the one who talks so much about wanting to be a mommy. This morning as I was ironing her new curtains, she said "When I'm growd up, I want one of those......(ie. the iron).....'cept I want a new house!" I so hope that she can experience being a mommy too.
I realize that my fears can so easily run away with me. We know already that medical knowledge can only give us so much - it is still so limited. And how much do we really want or need to know ahead of time anyway?? I'm not sure sometimes that I can handle more than THIS DAY alone. God is our Creator - He knows the number of our days. And He loves us and is ultimately in control of what happens in our lives! Still, this morning I felt so overwelmed by all the possibilties of pain that my kids might experience. I don't want to live there, in some abstract place ruled by fear. So, I pray, and I cling, and I choose to rest in His promises for us Today.
Father God, our Good Shepherd, who numbers the hairs of our heads, help me to trust you.
*Spoke with Genetics at 2pm. No news yet. Results are still preliminary. Could still take another 6 months. Maybe that's ok. I'm not sure I want or need to hear what they might say anyway. They say that if I'm pregnant, they would fast track us, but I'm not interested in that option!....so....we wait.
3 comments:
I've been struggling with trusting God today too and was praying in the van after I left my morning Bible Study when I heard the song Your Hands by JJ Heller on the radio. It was so therapeutic to sing it to God and thank Him that He never leaves us or forsakes us. He holds us in His hands and will never let us go. He loves us and has a plan for us. I don't understand that plan at all but today once again I'll choose to trust Him. Hugs to you Kendra!
Morning Kendra,
I will pray for you to have relief from these heavy thoughts. You are right about fear not being good...it is such a weighty thing on a person. God got this, and no matter the results Ethan & Abigail may never even endure issues. They may have 100% healthy wee ones, one day.
I know thats easier said then done (as I have my own struggles with fear)
Praying all day for your comfort through this.
-Cora
PS-Sorry I hadn't been on my blog to check it for a bit, and didn't see your comment.
And remember too, that even if there is nothing genetically responsible, a less than 'perfect' child may be born to anyone. Anyone at all. There are no guarantees. And that child that is such a source of grief initially may well become the most beloved of children. Life is risk.
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