Yesterday's Visits

Our visit to the Flames House and talk with Rachel's cardiologist went much better than anticipated.  Praise God! It felt so strange to walk through the building and not have Rachel there, and know she wasn't being cared for by a nurse somewhere around the corner. I wasn't really sure how I felt about being there. Mostly anxious I think.  And focused on what needed to happen yet that day. But the tears came these three times....

Once - when we watched a video on one of the nurses' phones.  It was a long one and it allowed us to see so many different movements, facial expressions.  Rachel was lying on one of the nurses' laps and some of the other staff - and one of the chefs, were talking and getting her to respond. It was SO good for our hearts to see her being loved by them.  And SO GOOD to be with these people who loved her and wanted to talk about her and who missed her too. 

Second time - Seeing the little bathtub where we bathed her so many times...

Third time - Receiving a GORGEOUS scrapbook from the staff, with pictures of Rachel (with some we had never seen) along with handwritten notes on each of the pages.  They said they could never have fit all they wanted to write in a card so they had to do this....We later laughed at one of the comments about her soother.  Rachel always had this thing with turning it around with her hands - she liked it best if it was upside down or sideways. 

Our talk with the Cardiologist was good.  I'm glad for the time to say Thank-you and Good-bye. She really did give Rachel phenomenal care!! We told her the details of Rachel's last day. She thinks that Rachel was likely unconscious from the time she threw up her bottle but from our description, likely passed away shortly afterwards.  Medically it is so hard to know when the point of death really occurs.  But that last breath - a ragged deep one, was likely involuntary at that point. (something to do with the nervous system) I think this was something I initially felt I needed to know because I wanted to know if she heard me whisper something to her at the end.  But I don't feel the same need anymore.  Rachel knew we loved her and whether she heard me at the end or not does not feel as important.  Thankfully, I think we have both come a long way in putting aside some our regrets and questions of that day, of that event.  We talked about a few other things I don't have the energy to write about now.  But overall, it was good meeting. 

A little later that day, Dave and I went for Vietnamese food - a real date - just the two of us! The last time we were in that restaurant, we had Rachel with us. We talked a bit about how we were glad for Rachel that she no longer had to suffer those spells again.  It is hard to explain how distressing, how painful it was to watch her go through those and know that another was coming and not know when.  We miss her so much at the same time. We are so looking forward to the day when we can be together with you again, dear little one...