Some Ramblings on Grief....

Some of this Grief feels very familiar.  After all, we did face the real possibility of Rachel's death for a long time already.  But there have been a few surprises too.  One, is how very final death feels.  I knew it with my mind before.  I believed it. But to see my child's body and know with utmost certainty that the person of Rachel was not there any more, and to feel and see the changes in that same body in the hours and days afterwards is quite another thing.  To face the truth that my child's body - her shell - will be returned to dust, is....a bit difficult for my heart to fathom.  And yet the body that we lowered into the ground is not really the body that I remember and love because she was not there.  She is somewhere else - somewhere I long to go. 

Another surprise is how much it hurt physically to lose her.  I have read alot of stories about women whose babies died shortly after birth and all the changes in their body and their physical aching for them.  I think I understood, at least on a rational level, what they meant.  But what I didn't expect is that I would feel pain for my 14 month daughter...in my womb.  It has been a long time since I was pregnant with her - and yet one of the first sensations I had after we walked our daughter's body to the hearse was the aching emptiness of an empty womb.  And then later, in those first days I found myself lying on my side, clutching my imaginary belly as though she were still there.  I guess I am remembering the early days after hearing the news about Rachel's 'broken-ness' and her death is bringing me back to the first terrible days when I spent many hours and nights trying to wrap my arms around her little body, wishing I could protect her, praying for God to heal her.  And now, while I don't feel the need to protect her - now that she is free from the body that caused her discomfort - I do miss her physical presence so much.  I can't hold her and the sensation of being pregnant with her again was comforting for me. 

If you were at the funeral in Calgary, you would remember how the Pastor gave our kids two sheep to hold on to when they felt sad.  This way they could have a visual reminder of how Rachel went from our arms into the arms of Jesus, their Good Shepherd.  Our kids hold those sheep alot - they spent alot of time holding them on our long drives in the van and now and then, they would talk about Rachel.  But our kids are not the only ones that held those sheep....

Yesterday we returned Rachel's basinet to our friends.  We threw most of her bottles away.  I used to feel frustrated at how much counter space and room space all her stuff took up. What do I need the extra space for anyway? It's going to take me awhile to take care of her things.  I don't want to rush it either. I'm not sure I want all the reminders of her to be gone - the reminder that she really was here once.  It feels like she is already slipping away too fast.  Already, I can't seem to remember her face or the feel of her and I need pictures to remind me. 

Our kids are doing ok.  They are starting to ask more about Rachel, and to show their sadness. A few bad dreams.  Acting out. I think we have learned and are still learning to pay attention to signs that they need some extra attention.  Dave had a good conversation at the dinner table with them last night.

We are starting to make some plans for the next few weeks.  First step - some time at our friends' cabin.  Looking forward to it.  Last time we went with Rachel...