Rachel almost left us today.  And it wasn't because of any 'spell' that I have seen before.  I fed her - she even ate fairly well - and then suddenly she went completely stiff and still.  I think all my mind registered at first was 'wow, she's so long." She usually still keeps her legs folded up most of the time.  She has grown so much since her last bad spell. And it took a little while to realize that she didn't seem to be breathing at all.  I really thought this was "it" and I called Dave to come home and friends to come help with the kids.  Abigail was going crazy because I wasn't giving her a hug and Ethan was yelling that I didn't give him the coloring book he wanted.  This all started long before - the normal 'driving me crazy' stuff. And I was fiddling with her drugs and pacing the house whispering in her ear and kissing her cheek, watching for signs of life - and finally a breath! And then everyone got here and I passed Rachel off to her Daddy so I could pack up the kids stuff.  (our friends took them to the park - thank-you!!!)

It was taking a really long time for Rachel to pull out of this one.  She wasn't fighting it, just laboring to breathe for a long time and unresponsive - so I called the Doctor this time.  We don't call every time she has a spell anymore but this one seemed so different.  There are only a few times when I have really wondered if she was leaving us and this was one of them. I am still shaky even now because it is such a shock.  She has been so very alive and well for so long....oh God, I want this little girl.  I don't know how to live life without her anymore.  My arms ache just thinking of it.  I had forgotten what it was like to think of her death.  And now I have to remember all over again.  God, give us strength!