No big change here. Rachel is still eating small amounts. She is making her 'talking noises' again. She does seem a bit stronger, and this is most noticeable in her cry. Her cry is really stressing me out though this morning. My heart just clenches to hear it. And she is not happy or settling easy. And so we are not able to relax much either. We were both struggling with disappointment yesterday - we thought that relief was around the corner for her (and us). I wrote a bit of how I felt guilty about feeling that way. Dave did some personal journaling yesterday about that too. I think we have moved past that today, but these ups and downs have been excruciatingly hard. We feel so worn. I love that Dave is home this week, but I can't help thinking how very different our holidays could be.
I have received several very encouraging emails in the past few days. (and comments too!) Thank-you so much. Your words have been life-giving and so encouraging to me!
The thing is, you gear yourselves up for the end, and then when it doesn't happen, you have to change that mindset again - you're on an exhausting emotional roller coaster (and I hate roller coasters!). Hang in there. We're praying for you - may you have enough strength and peace and joy for this day.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the patience you have had to practice this past year. Parenting is challenging at the best of times...and this in NOT the best of times. Its so much harder! When my husband was diagnosed with cancer our children were 9 and 12. Normal life as we knew it ceased. I remember singing the song 'Blessed be Your Name' and coming to the part that says, 'Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me; when the world's all as it should be' and thinking that I couldn't even remember a time when the 'world was all as it should be'! You are on the 'road marked with suffering' and the 'pain in the offering' part! Many times during those painfully short yet agonizingly long two months from diagnosis to death I wondered how long I could endure. I loved living with Dwayne yet hated dying with him. You have endured for so long. There does not need to be guilt because of your feelings and desire for relief. Nobody questions your love for your daughter.
ReplyDeleteI hope in some way that makes sense to you. I have not walked your path but my heart and thoughts are often drawn to you and your family. I know that God will continue to carry you.
Janet (Carol Schellenberg's sister.)
“May God give you...For every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer.”
ReplyDeleteIrish Blessings quotes