Wow - I never thought I would have a mother's day with Rachel!! (outside my womb that is) I think I have been so lost in a cloud of deep sadness this past week that I only just realized now what a gift this has been. The respite worker took her downstairs for the night but a few minutes ago she was sitting in my arms - smiling and hitting the edge of the desk with her feet. She has had a few good days - a nice reprieve for Mother's Day. Also, there's one new development that kind of snuck up on me that I haven't noted here on the blog. Rachel can roll from her back to her side now!! (on her strong days)
I am so blessed to have a wonderful mother who gave birth to me and raised me with love. I am also blessed to have a wonderful mother in law whom I deeply appreciate. I wish we could have been with you both today. The kids would have loved to shower you with home-made cards. You are LOVED!!! Happy Mother's Day!!
Today I have thought alot about my friends who are still Mothers, even though their children are not here with them. I remember my first mother's day after our miscarriage. Our Pastor and his wife brought a flower to our apartment and told me that I was still a mom. Other family members said similar things to me. That was really powerful for me. Although I can't send flowers out to all my hurting friends, you are certainly on my heart. Faith's Lodge's post on FB today reads..."While this can be a bittersweet day for many of us, may today remind us all that whether you hold your child in your arms or only in your heart, you are a mom. To the very special mothers who have had to say goodbye to their children too soon, we wish you a peaceful Mother's Day."
Yesterday evening, Dave and I (and the kids) were driving to a friends' place for dinner. We were both feeling pretty gloomy and the skies mirrored how we felt. But then we noticed these shafts of light breaking through the clouds. It was so beautiful. I really needed to see that. It was like a reminder to me that this sad time won't last forever. The light will find it's way through again. So this is my prayer tonight: "ok God, I will wait and I will keep trusting You. I don't see much of the light right now and I'm a bit scared of getting caught in this vortex of blackness forever...but I will wait. I will trust. Please carry us through."
how special that you got to have a mother's day with all 3 of your babies! praying for you
ReplyDeleteThat's right, go to Him with your sadness, with your blackness. Sadness doesn't always go away but He will enter into sadness with us. So glad Rachel could be with you on Mother's Day. Blessings to you and all of your children.
ReplyDeleteAmen to your prayer - I will also pray that for you and Dave.
ReplyDeleteHi Kendra,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog and praying for you as your travel this very difficult journey with your little princess. I just looked back to see how long they actually expected Rachel to live and it was less than a month. What an absolute miracle that her first birthday is so very close. You have a true fighter. May God continue to be with you and Dave as you help her fight. It is a tough battle and I understand the days when it feels easier to pray for God to take her. But God is giving her the strength to carry on, who knows for how long, may you feel all the strength he is giving you also.
love this, kendra.
ReplyDelete& i love that she's here for mother's day & giving you teeny thrills like learning to roll around... i like watching you pick the diamonds from the pebbles...
LOVE
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Such a heartfelt post, Kendra. I appreciate your journey and your insights.
And how we need to see those shafts of light through the clouds sometimes! I have always found I am much more sensitive to beauty when going through a really tough time. I think it is how God speaks his love to me in those bleak times.
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