Another bad spell at 3am this morning. We gave her four doses. This time I was shaky and emotional and wanted no jokes. There is something about these night spells and being woken from a dead sleep that is so very hard. Last night I went out to get groceries for the party (and did some stuff at home) and I came in after 11pm. I talked with the RN for a bit first. She asked me if there was a pattern to when these spells occur and I told her that she has had a few at 3am already. And that's what happened last night. She had been sleeping alot and not eating again. (I think she ate once between 6:30pm and 3am) This spell felt so bruttally hard - I was scared, panicked even, that she would leave us. The reality hits home again and again. But I love her so much! And it hurts so much, that I feel sick to my stomach.
I don't think I slept at all after the spell. Dave and I talked afterwards for awhile. He told me something else the Cardiologist had said. In her opinion, the fentanyl probably isn't helping to open up her bloodflow. It is really a mystery as to why her body recovers from this. Maybe the babies that are loved just have an extraordinary will to live...and I also believe that God knows the right time for her to go.
I don't think I slept at all after the spell. Dave and I talked afterwards for awhile. He told me something else the Cardiologist had said. In her opinion, the fentanyl probably isn't helping to open up her bloodflow. It is really a mystery as to why her body recovers from this. Maybe the babies that are loved just have an extraordinary will to live...and I also believe that God knows the right time for her to go.
Thinking about you and praying for comfort for Rachel. Always lifting all of you in love.
ReplyDeleteI keep coming back to the fact that God's ways are not our ways and sometimes impossible for us to understand, but He does have a plan for Rachel. I think of Ps. 139:16 - "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Praying especially for your peace of mind and freedom from fear in the midst of crisis.
ReplyDeletei think that too... that God Himself knows how many days to measure out to this precious little lamb.
ReplyDeletei can only imagine the heartache that these spells bring. Such a tremulous balance of holding and letting go...
Tough stuff. Love you. Praying.
ReplyDeleteIn the hearts and on the minds of my family to yours. One breath at a time, and trust in the divine.
ReplyDeleteI remember when Carol had said to me "God's ways are not our ways"Oh how so true.
ReplyDeleteHe knows it all from the beginning to the end.
Yes I believe Kendra..with ALL the love Rachel is getting her will is so strong.
We are continuing to pray for strength & rest for you all.
Much love & prayers
Janet M