Hard Days

These are hard days.  Rachel has been having more 'blue periods' lately - times when she seems to be having difficulty breathing.  And then yesterday at 6pm, she had a full-blown heart spell.  She slept for four straight hours after that, something she only does after a spell.  She only had one good feed (40mls) the whole day, an amount that she was doing almost every hour or two until a few days ago.  Her fontanel was sunk in again this morning.


Then, she had a hard night (very little eating, weak crying) followed by a very terrible spell this morning at 7:30 am.  Our weekend respite worker brought her up to us and she was quite shaken by it. This was the first time she has seen a spell.  I still feel shaken by it too.  I don't want her to suffer like this anymore and I prayed that God would take her home. I asked God to comfort her.  I even asked that God would show her the angels surrounding us and a view of heaven.  We said to her that she could go.


But, it still wasn't her time to go home. She is here in front of me now, playing with a crinkly book.  The house is quiet.  Dave took the kids to the Big Train Show with some other friends.  Sometimes Rachel looks over to stare at me.  She has given me one slow smile and it made my heart so very glad to see it.   I have needed this time with her for a long time.  I am listening to music and reading the Bible, hungrily.  It is so healthy and healing to cry.  This is what I read this morning...

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see.



So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. *It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

*(Our faith is being tested not in a 'pass or fail' kind of way but God is giving us the opportunity to discover that the faith we pay lip service to, really works - it is the real deal.  And this discovery gives us JOY.")

...The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. This salvation was something even the prophets wanted to know more about when they prophesied about this gracious salvation prepared for you. They wondered what time or situation the Spirit of Christ within them was talking about when he told them in advance about Christ’s suffering and his great glory afterward. They were told that their messages were not for themselves, but for you..... It is all so wonderful that even the angels are eagerly watching these things happen."

A song that I listened to alot during my pregnancy is this one by Sara Groves.  And it has been playing in my mind these past few days too.  There is so much that I can't see right now.  But there is a BIGGER story that we are part of.  And a BIG God who has all this under His control.  And this does give me comfort as we keep travelling these unknowns, day after day, spell after spell.  (some days more than others!)

From This One Place
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams


from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else


I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet


from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

ps - If you are reading this far, thanks to my (several!) friends who are checking up on my vitamin intake and sleep:)  I am taking my vitamins, thank-you! I do wish there was some magic pill to stop my eye from twitching (three weeks now)....if there is one, please let me know...;)