Birthday

I turned 34 a few days ago.  I got a big kick out of watching my kids run around the house looking for things to wrap up for me.  "It's a surprise mom.  You can't see" they'd say as they closed doors and whispered and schemed.  Later, these presents were given to Dave and I, my brother and his girlfriend - a stuffed dog, a plastic bowl, small carebears....and then they re-wrapped themselves after the gifts were opened.  Ethan was really concerned that I wasn't having a shaped cake...."You should have a monster truck mom. How 'bout a rocket mom? I bet you'd really like that!" When he found out that it was just a round cake, he said something like "aww...i'm never gonna be an adult - your birthdays are boring." oh Ethan, nothing is boring with you around!

This is pretty fuzzy because it's really a video. Ethan is in the present..

One friend arranged a few surprises for me on the weekend.  She (and her husband) also watched our kids while Dave and I (and Rachel) went out for dinner.  And then last night, we got together with a few families that we haven't seen in a long time and we met at one of their homes so I wouldn't have to clean - thank-you!! We had a great time and the kids were both pumped because there was a good balance of boys and girls.  Dave even made a coconut cake for me from scratch - one that his mom made once and I fell in love with.  It tasted great!!!! Here's a picture of Dave icing the cake with cream cheese icing.



I was feeling a bit gloomy over the weekend - maybe it was all these grey days we've been having. But overall, I feel like my emotions are a little more balanced.  I don't struggle as much with anxiety over Rachel.  Maybe it's because she is more content these days too.  I am sad sometimes but it's not the same kind of grief that I first had, in pregnancy and in the first stretch of Rachel's life.  Maybe it's a new level of acceptance that happens in a journey like ours.  Dave said that he too doesn't feel the same need to know when the end will come. It is good to live without that need to know.  It is good to live without the constant bracing for what her death will bring.  Someone gave my mother in law a poem to pass on to us. I don't know who wrote it but what I wrote just now brought this to mind again.  It seems fitting.  Thank-you for sharing it! 

She wasn't where she had been.
She wasn't where she was going...but she was on her way.
And on her way she enjoyed
food that wasn't fast,
friendships that held,
hearts glowing,
hearts breaking,
smiles that caught tears,
paths trudged and alleys skipped.
And on her way she no longer looked
for the answers, but held close
the two things
she knew for sure.
One, if a day carried
strength in the morning,
peace in the evening,
and a little joy in between,
it was a good one...
and two, you can live
completely without
complete understanding.

She was on her way.