Rollercoaster of Emotion

I have been moved by alot of things lately...but there are three things that really stick out in my mind.

1. Walking into the Flames House and seeing this package left for us by Alexander's parents.  It was a bag of toys that Alexander had not had a chance to play with. (and they thought he would have wanted to share them with our kids) Also, seeing the lamp lit for him downstairs.  (meaning a child has recently passed away in the House) We won't forget you Alexander!

 2. Reading a Letter to Rachel written by a dear friend.  (she has given permission for me to share it with you)  What a blessing you have been to us - a source of encouragment in this journey. You express so well in this letter some truths about God and Rachel's life. Thank-you! To read it, click on this link. Beauty in Weakness

3. Seeing pictures that were Gifted to us by a new Friend (and amazing photographer!) Check these out!  http://www.chelseyrobertsphotography.com/blog/  What an incredible gift Chelsey! We have looked through these pictures several times - laughing and crying both because they are so achingly beautiful.  We will never forget that day! We were preparing all day to help her 'poop' - she had not had one since the first 'episode'.  And suddenly we had this perfect window - you came in short notice - and Rachel was so happy.  It was like Someone was orchestrating this....  

How do I explain the past few days? 

Lots of emotion

stress - (a doctor likened it to post traumatic stress disorder)

laughter too!

Love.

Because of the stress after Friday's episode, we decided to move back to the Flames House on Sunday night. I now have an entirely different view of what life is like for people with sick kids.  I honestly had no idea.  Now we measure time by her bm's and watch a bit anxiously for signs of another one coming.  It has taken her a bit of time to recover (from Friday) but yesterday and today she is SO HAPPY.  We relax a bit and enjoy her.  But always in the back of our minds, we wonder how long until she is not ok again.  I am having trouble sleeping.  I am more irritable and have a desperate need to cocoon myself away.  It feels like my heart is in my throat all the time....and it's only been a week.  How do people do this for longer?  

Ethan and Abigail are staying with Grandma Plett at our house - they are travelling back and forth to visit us.  This has given us some space to try and uncoil ourselves a bit.  Yesterday night we revisited some of the funeral ideas we had made while I was pregnant.  This morning we started putting together some pictures for a slide show.  It was painful - the tears were flowing - but it was a good time for us too.  We need this time together, without the older two. (and they need a break from us!)

Yesterday morning we had a pretty neat moment in the Dining Room.  Rachel was really hamming it up for some of the staff. (picture below) She sure has been turning on the charms alot here!! Then, we waited till my mom brought the kids over (in case things didn't go well) and we gave Rachel a suppository.  Thankfully, she had a small bm and it went well. We may decide to do this every two days.  (They seem harder - maybe because she has been moving and feeding less?) What a rollercoaster of emotion we are on!!!