She is 6 Weeks old Today

These are some of the things that happened today and some of the thoughts that went through my mind....and I warn you, they are extremely random.  But what can I say? I am a mother to three little children and coherent thought is a rare occurance these days..

Last night I read the story of Lazarus to the kids.  The verse was "Everyone who trusts in me will LIVE even if they die." I wonder how to explain this to them....What does it mean to still live even when we die? I wonder what heaven sounds like to a four year old.  I wonder how to explain how Jesus had so much power to raise Lazarus from the dead, but that we don't believe he will do the same for Rachel.  Jesus gave his life so that we can have Life.  How do I explain that God is going to make Rachel better but He does not have to heal her body, that she will be all better in heaven?  I can see the wheels in his head turning, trying to process this.  He said to me, 'but Rachel has a cold, and she'll get better."

This morning, my reading for the day (in between helping Abigail in the bathroom, feeding Rachel, wiping up her puke, and getting all three dressed and ready for company) had these verses. "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses.  I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make.  Oh, that you would choose life, that you and your descendents might live.  Choose to love the Lord your God and to obey Him and commit yourself to Him, for He is your Life." (Deut. 30:19-20) 

There is a choice.  

I think it is time to start exercising again.  I am tired of clothes not fitting.  I feel...blah.  This stage of limbo (in more ways than one) is wearing on me.  I feel yucky and un-motivated. I would rather walk to the fridge and grab another brownie that someone has kindly baked for us.  I am grateful for the baking.  But I am seriously lacking in some self-control.  I think of going back to the gym.  But that might mean meeting old gym friends who haven't seen me in months and possibly having some very awkward conversations.  And so I drag my feet...

I wrote a list of things I would like to do after Rachel is gone.  Things like her scrapbook, a memory box, a cd of pictures for family.  I thought it would be a way to keep busy later.  Now I wonder if I will want to see her pictures at all - if it will just hurt too much.  For just a short time, I allow myself to feel the pain that her loss will bring.  And I think, "I don't want to do a scrapbook. I want to be so busy with taking care of a baby.  Instead, there will be an emptiness that nothing can fill.  I think there will be days when it will seem so much easier to just pull the blanket over my head and refuse to get up in the morning.  And then I remember the verses I read this morning..."Oh, that you would choose life.."

Abigail made us laugh today..oh it is so good to laugh.  She asked to pray at supper.  She started telling God things she was thankful for and then, while looking out the window for inspiration, she said, "Thank-you God for.....bees".  Then, she screamed because she scared herself with the thought of bees.  It was so funny.  It seemed like she was trying to convince herself that they were ok. And I thought later, how there are things (like bees) I am not sure I want to thank God for myself. Like pain. Even though I have experienced how God has worked beauty from it later.  

God is teaching us so much through Rachel's short life...there is so much beauty because we know Rachel. I wouldn't trade Rachel for 5 healthy children. (or even one for that matter) She is so beautiful to us. A friend of mine described how she was impressed by both her tininess and largeness at the same time.  I love that description...Thank-you.  

C.S. Lewis said, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."  ok God, I am listening.

At the end of the day, it rained a little.  And David pointed out the rainbow in the sky.  He said, "God keeps His promises." 

Thank-you Lord.