In the Sorrow, I learned...

These days, the tears are closer to the surface and the pain deeper.  We are busy and so we don't often stop and really feel, but the sadness still has a way of finding us.  God has a way of finding us too. (or maybe more accurately, He has a way of getting our attention too) We received a gift this past weekend that we will treasure for a long time.  It's one of those things that I am afraid to talk about for fear of cheapening it somehow.  Maybe the time will come someday to share it here. In the meantime, I wanted you to know that God is meeting us in the pain, and using others to speak to us in a powerful way. 

Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time (the weather was lousy) and while I walked on the treadmill I listened to some music.  I found a song that I had forgotten about and I ended up listening to it about five times in a row.  It's called "Prayers for this Child" by Sara Groves.  I wish I could play the song for you but these are some of the words....


I do not know how I am to pray for this child
as a mother I don't want my baby denied
but in the waiting, in the waiting
I learned to hold on to the heart of God.
I only have two eyes - be all seeing
I only have two hands - be everywhere
I do not know enough - to be all knowing
I give this baby up into your care
I do not know how I am to pray for this child
I want to guard her from everything wicked and wild
but in the trial, in the trial I learned to hold on....
I learned to hold on to the heart of God.


General Update: We had some wonderful babysitting help this weekend!  So we were able to get some more rest.  The nights are still hard because she eats so often.  She still coughs, but only when she's eating.  By the way, she hasn't been throwing up as much lately and she hasn't struggled with mucus in awhile now either. She is completely on formula too so we'll see how that goes. We tried using a swing to settle her but that didn't work well because she has so little muscle control in her neck.  Maybe we will try a bouncy chair (that reclines really well) - anyone reading this have one we can borrow?;) Her eyes have really darkened lately. We're pretty sure we have another brown eyed girl!  Abigail is still completely enthralled with her little sister.  oh, and (sidenote) Abigail's front tooth is now officially dead and turning brown - after a fall at church. oh yeah.       


Tomorrow we will be at the Rotary Flames House for lunch! Tomorrow night we will have un-interrupted sleep or at least some rest. I am finding it harder to sleep these days even when I have the opportunity.  Last night my mind wouldn't stop turning. How much longer do we keep living day to day wondering when she will leave us? I wonder how this will change us. I can't help wondering also how God will bring Good from this trial and from Rachel's short life. I keep wanting to look at her in the night just to reassure myself that she's still there.  I keep wondering who this little person is and what she will be like in heaven.  More waiting.  More sorrow to come. More learning to hold on to the heart of God.  I'm not even sure what that means..but I think the sorrow and the questions will drive me to find out more.