......is today. And I miss her so much. There aren't any words for this kind of missing. And yet at the same time, I am feeling lighter in my spirit than I have felt in so long. God is helping me to open my hands, to trust Him. Because his gifts for us will be good. I don't know what they will look like and I don't have to have it all figured out. And after feeling so heavy in my body, my spirit, my heart, for so very very long, it is strange and wonderful to Let Go.....
I don't think for a minute that our grieving is done, or the hurt won't resurface with a vengeance. I'm quite sure it will. But I am going to rest here in this moment, this day. And it is good. He is Good.
So....thank-you if you have been praying for us....
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Pre-recorded Radio montages.
If you still want to hear our pre-recorded montages that were played on the radio, I just found out that you can hear David by doing this....
Click on the Radiothon link (see last post) and then click on "Meet our Families" and choose "Rachel's story". If you want to hear my montage, leave a note with your email address and I'll send it to you too.
They did an amazing job piecing these together.
I'll write more later...!
Click on the Radiothon link (see last post) and then click on "Meet our Families" and choose "Rachel's story". If you want to hear my montage, leave a note with your email address and I'll send it to you too.
They did an amazing job piecing these together.
I'll write more later...!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
RADIOTHON is ON RIGHT NOW!!!!
Here's the link....you can listen online....
http://www.kidsradiothon.com/
Friends of ours and many others are telling their stories, to raise support for the Alberta Children's Hospital and Rotary Flames House. Dave will be on the air on Friday afternoon.
I just heard some clips of Dave talking about Rachel. I'm a mess already but I can't turn it off either....
http://www.kidsradiothon.com/
Friends of ours and many others are telling their stories, to raise support for the Alberta Children's Hospital and Rotary Flames House. Dave will be on the air on Friday afternoon.
I just heard some clips of Dave talking about Rachel. I'm a mess already but I can't turn it off either....
Saturday, February 4, 2012
I'm Thankful for....
1. This morning Dave took care of the kids so I could sleep. This is what Ethan said to Dave this morning....
"Sssshhh. Listen." Dave says, "to what?"
"I can hear the birds singing. And you know what they're singing? Praises to God. It's so beautiful!"
2. Abigail's prayer, that she wants to pray every time she can. And it makes me smile every time.
"Dear God, Thank-you for everyone and everything. And Thank-you for this food. Please help Grandma and Grandpa, and me, and Ethan, and mommy when our colds are here. (This list keeps expanding and the people who get better don't get taken off the list) And please help us when Rachel is gone. Amen!
3. The other night I couldn't sleep so I decided to transfer the birthdays from the 2011 calender to the 2012 one. (both MCC calenders) As I kept getting closer to August, I started feeling sadder, wondering what day of the week August 5th would land on, remembering what that awful day was like.....and then I got there...to picture of a beautiful smiling woman. And underneath, the story behind the smile. "Sithebe, a project leader for Helping Hand, a group in South Africa's Tembisa Township that serves people living with HIV and AIDS, became involved after her daughter died of AIDS in 2000." It's the only page in the calender that mentions the death of a daughter. And underneath that....this verse.
Be strong and courageous....for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
4. I listened to a CD the other day too that I hadn't heard in a long time. And there was this one song that brought me back to another time. We were staying at the Flames House in the summer after Rachel was born. She was just a few months old. Dave convinced me to leave for awhile and go enjoy the weather. So I went for a long walk around the University campus nearby. I remember listening to this song - and feeling...pure JOY. Because I knew that God was bringing parts of me alive to Him because of the pain.
Listening to this song again, in these days, felt differently. I have had a hard time HONESTLY saying that Rachel was a gift. How could a gift hurt this much?!!!! And the song felt way too optimistic - jarring even. But I remember that day when I knew beyond a doubt that she was a gift. And I missed the JOY that I knew then. I have been listening to that CD more this week, praying for God to return some of that Joy to me.
Lyrics to "Just Showed up for My Own Life"
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive!!
5. I am thankful for the good news that Dave's sister received yesterday about her pregnancy.
Wow! www.mostlywhatnot.blogspot.com
6. And I'm thankful for the story I am hearing from the Living Room right now. "The Last Battle" by C.S.Lewis. There is so much ugliness in the beginning and the middle...not different than our own world right now...but oh, the ending!!! Oh, the ending.....
"Sssshhh. Listen." Dave says, "to what?"
"I can hear the birds singing. And you know what they're singing? Praises to God. It's so beautiful!"
2. Abigail's prayer, that she wants to pray every time she can. And it makes me smile every time.
"Dear God, Thank-you for everyone and everything. And Thank-you for this food. Please help Grandma and Grandpa, and me, and Ethan, and mommy when our colds are here. (This list keeps expanding and the people who get better don't get taken off the list) And please help us when Rachel is gone. Amen!
3. The other night I couldn't sleep so I decided to transfer the birthdays from the 2011 calender to the 2012 one. (both MCC calenders) As I kept getting closer to August, I started feeling sadder, wondering what day of the week August 5th would land on, remembering what that awful day was like.....and then I got there...to picture of a beautiful smiling woman. And underneath, the story behind the smile. "Sithebe, a project leader for Helping Hand, a group in South Africa's Tembisa Township that serves people living with HIV and AIDS, became involved after her daughter died of AIDS in 2000." It's the only page in the calender that mentions the death of a daughter. And underneath that....this verse.
Be strong and courageous....for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
4. I listened to a CD the other day too that I hadn't heard in a long time. And there was this one song that brought me back to another time. We were staying at the Flames House in the summer after Rachel was born. She was just a few months old. Dave convinced me to leave for awhile and go enjoy the weather. So I went for a long walk around the University campus nearby. I remember listening to this song - and feeling...pure JOY. Because I knew that God was bringing parts of me alive to Him because of the pain.
Listening to this song again, in these days, felt differently. I have had a hard time HONESTLY saying that Rachel was a gift. How could a gift hurt this much?!!!! And the song felt way too optimistic - jarring even. But I remember that day when I knew beyond a doubt that she was a gift. And I missed the JOY that I knew then. I have been listening to that CD more this week, praying for God to return some of that Joy to me.
Lyrics to "Just Showed up for My Own Life"
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive!!
5. I am thankful for the good news that Dave's sister received yesterday about her pregnancy.
Wow! www.mostlywhatnot.blogspot.com
6. And I'm thankful for the story I am hearing from the Living Room right now. "The Last Battle" by C.S.Lewis. There is so much ugliness in the beginning and the middle...not different than our own world right now...but oh, the ending!!! Oh, the ending.....
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Meeting with Genetics
My heart feels so very heavy today. I miss Rachel so much. Dave called from work, missing her too. So we cried on the phone together. It helps to know that we are both on this journey of grief together.
I guess we are still processing the information from our meeting with Genetics, which isn't a suprise. We were there for over an hour. Some things were clarified from our last meeting two years ago. Of course back then, our brains were struggling to make sense of everything at once. This time, it was hard in a different way. At the time I wanted to know how this could have happened to us - I wanted answers. (but I wanted the short version) And now, I wanted to know if it would happen again - to us, to our kids. I had planned to write about what we found out but I don't feel ready. It's much too hard right now. But if you send me a note to ask about it, I'll tell you. Or ask me in person.
For those of you wondering if we are testing specifically for heterotaxy - Rachel doesn't really fit the mold with most isolated heterotaxy cases. She presented with different issues, her brain malformation being one of them. Also she said that most heterotaxy kids do not have missing organs, they are usually just reversed? (the spleen being the exception) There is a four panel test being done in the States (not in Canada yet) to test four genes that are known to cause heterotaxy. We are requesting to have that done, but our Geneticist is doubtful that it would really give us useful information.
Walking into the Hospital was really hard too. But that took me by surprise. I hadn't prepared myself for that and suddenly I was fighting to hold back the tears. I have so many memories of being there with Rachel, dozens of visits, or times when I took the older kids over there to play indoors, just for a change of scenery from the Flames House.
As we left, with the burden of all that information, our kids didn't seem to notice. They were chatting happily about stuff, the movie we let them watch so we could talk with the Geneticist, Abigail was skipping along oblivious to moving cars....oh, to have the ability to be 'in the moment' like a child!!!
oh, I want my Joy back...I need your Joy, Abba Father. I don't know what to do with all this scary information. And the deep aching in my heart for Rachel. You know the whole picture and I see such a small part. I can't carry all of this....
I guess we are still processing the information from our meeting with Genetics, which isn't a suprise. We were there for over an hour. Some things were clarified from our last meeting two years ago. Of course back then, our brains were struggling to make sense of everything at once. This time, it was hard in a different way. At the time I wanted to know how this could have happened to us - I wanted answers. (but I wanted the short version) And now, I wanted to know if it would happen again - to us, to our kids. I had planned to write about what we found out but I don't feel ready. It's much too hard right now. But if you send me a note to ask about it, I'll tell you. Or ask me in person.
For those of you wondering if we are testing specifically for heterotaxy - Rachel doesn't really fit the mold with most isolated heterotaxy cases. She presented with different issues, her brain malformation being one of them. Also she said that most heterotaxy kids do not have missing organs, they are usually just reversed? (the spleen being the exception) There is a four panel test being done in the States (not in Canada yet) to test four genes that are known to cause heterotaxy. We are requesting to have that done, but our Geneticist is doubtful that it would really give us useful information.
Walking into the Hospital was really hard too. But that took me by surprise. I hadn't prepared myself for that and suddenly I was fighting to hold back the tears. I have so many memories of being there with Rachel, dozens of visits, or times when I took the older kids over there to play indoors, just for a change of scenery from the Flames House.
As we left, with the burden of all that information, our kids didn't seem to notice. They were chatting happily about stuff, the movie we let them watch so we could talk with the Geneticist, Abigail was skipping along oblivious to moving cars....oh, to have the ability to be 'in the moment' like a child!!!
oh, I want my Joy back...I need your Joy, Abba Father. I don't know what to do with all this scary information. And the deep aching in my heart for Rachel. You know the whole picture and I see such a small part. I can't carry all of this....
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Happy Birthday Ethan!
It's so hard to believe...our little boy is six years old today! He woke up to a trail of candy and yellow arrows leading from his bedroom to the table....and at his seat there was a box of chocolate cheerios for breakfast and a funny face balloon guy taped to his chair. He has a special snack in his lunch box today with notes from Abigail and me. And when he gets home we're going to have leftover pizza and cupcakes!
Two years ago, with the news about Rachel fresh in our minds, we celebrated Ethan's birthday with his friends. I so wish his birthday didn't have to be so connected with that awful week of ultrasounds and fears. I'm finding it a bit hard again this year to put much effort into his special day. I sure am THANKFUL for this little guy though - he gives us SO MUCH joy.
This morning we heard news that my sister in law, who is pregnant with twins, is facing some very difficult unknowns. I wish I could be with her today.....
http://mostlywhatnot.blogspot.com/
Later this afternoon, we have our Genetics meeting. (again Ethan's birthday is connected to something that could be potentially hard...) I haven't been able to get much done all morning, wondering about my sister, wondering about this meeting. I'm listening to Fernando Ortega today - the only music that really worked to help calm my spirit in those many hard days.....and this is the verse I read.....Thank-you Father, for knowing my heart, my groanings, for helping us in our distress.
"The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." Romans 8:26-7
Two years ago, with the news about Rachel fresh in our minds, we celebrated Ethan's birthday with his friends. I so wish his birthday didn't have to be so connected with that awful week of ultrasounds and fears. I'm finding it a bit hard again this year to put much effort into his special day. I sure am THANKFUL for this little guy though - he gives us SO MUCH joy.
This morning we heard news that my sister in law, who is pregnant with twins, is facing some very difficult unknowns. I wish I could be with her today.....
http://mostlywhatnot.blogspot.com/
Later this afternoon, we have our Genetics meeting. (again Ethan's birthday is connected to something that could be potentially hard...) I haven't been able to get much done all morning, wondering about my sister, wondering about this meeting. I'm listening to Fernando Ortega today - the only music that really worked to help calm my spirit in those many hard days.....and this is the verse I read.....Thank-you Father, for knowing my heart, my groanings, for helping us in our distress.
"The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." Romans 8:26-7
Saturday, January 21, 2012
A Blessing on Each 21st of the Month!
Just a few minutes ago, a wonderful, gentle-hearted lady just stopped by with some home-baked cookies and a Tony Roma's Gift Certificate, and a poem written about Rachel!! It was all a part of another friend's scheming (also named Rachel) to do something special for us on every 21st of the month. Shortly after Rachel died, I mentioned that I found her birthdays (the 21st of the month) to be harder than the anniversaries of her death. And so since that time, on every 21st of the month, someone has dropped something off for us. And each gift till now has been carefully planned and thought out....isn't that neat?? What a fantastic idea....
Thank-you! Thank-you God, for your blessings, for your church. For bringing cheer into my afternoon! For your kindness and mercy....
Thank-you! Thank-you God, for your blessings, for your church. For bringing cheer into my afternoon! For your kindness and mercy....
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