First, how are we doing one year (and a bit) after?
This is a hard question to answer. I think I am relieved to say that our life still feels full - full of God's goodness, our home still rings with laughter, and I have not sunk into a darkness that I feared more than the pain of loss. I think I always wondered if, when all the projects that I threw myself into to distract myself were done, that then, the grieving would really begin. And it never did. Grieving continues but not in the way I feared. That I believe is God's grace to me.
There are times, like yesterday, when I picked up the kids scrapbooks again, and the pain of hearing the diagnosis and watching Rachel die is real again....but on most days it usually feels like a nagging sense that something isn't right. Someone is missing from our home, from our family. We are not complete. And those of you whose children have died, know just what I mean. My kids are both in school now, and there is one question that I hear over and over. "How many children do you have?" And I still struggle every time to answer . It feels so un-natural to say "2". I have three. I am a mother of three. And it feels like I am denying her existence by my answer. And maybe it feels tough too because I always thought we would have more than two and I feel selfishly disappointed about that. But I can't blurt out the truth every time...the retelling of our story is hard too. And so I force a smile and say something like "I have 2 in this school."
So much has changed since the day we held our girl for the last time....I thought I'd try making a list...starting with the material, visible stuff...
1. Our House looks so different. Rachel's nap room (and the place where she died) is now Ethan's room. It's painted blue, the color I could imagine goes well with big white fluffy clouds. The rug is now laminate flooring. Rachel's room downstairs was first used as a room for a renter, and now an office where I am typing. It is hard for me to even picture her in this room - lying in her basinet that is now long gone.
2. I am getting better at parties, particularly where there are strangers who know nothing about Rachel. This was so hard for me for the longest time. I have always been an introvert, but not shy. Going to a party was not a stressful thing before. But since we heard Rachel's diagnosis, it was like I 'needed' people to know about her, because she was such a HUGE part of my life. How could we talk about insignificant things like the weather, when my life was full of questions about the goodness of God, about disability and the value of a life, and especially when I knew that each time I left Rachel with Dave or someone else - that might have been the last time I saw her? My heart and my mind were *so* full, and the emotions were always just beneath the surface - it was hard to care about things that weren't about her. I didn't want to spoil the party, so I often opted out or found excuses not to go. It's hard to be with happy people when you feel so sad. I am *SO* thankful for friends who understood this and gave me so very much grace again and again. I am relieved too - it feels like a sign of health to be able to just 'hang out' and talk about normal life stuff - it feels like a weight has slowing been lifting from my heart...
3. I have become genuinely excited for friends and family who are expecting. This surprised me and was a relief too. For a long time, I tried to be happy for them but truthfully it hurt so much too. I kept telling myself that I should be thankful to have given birth to two healthy children....But other healthy babies still were a reminder of the kind of birth I had wanted with Rachel and didn't get. I still hear good news with the nagging sense of how things are not fair, especially for other friends who have tried years to concieve, and for those of us with sick children too - but I cannot also help thinking now of the beauty of each life. Rachel too was a gift, she was our gift. And as much as it hurts, I want that truth to keep sinking in....
4. What I write now might be one of the biggest changes....and this development is one that I have not shared publicly until now because we wanted to hold it close for awhile - and seek God's guidance on this. It is felt like a very long journey with alot of ups and downs. And there is still *so* much I will not write about here. But I will just say that we have begun to pursue the possibility of adoption with Child and Family Services. We are scheduled for training in October. We started out pursuing private adoption but the long list of waiting parents (many of whom can not bear children) and the cost was a discouragement. We also considered concieving again and for multiple reasons, found that door closing too.
We don't know what God will do, where this will all go, but one thing I have been learning this last year is to trust God because He will show us the way. At the start of this year, my mind and heart were so conflicted and confused - trying to figure out what we should do or not do about my heart's desire for more children. Along the way - we have sensed God shutting doors, not all at once - sometimes they seemed to open and close multiple times, but I am becoming more confident that we can trust Him in each step. And even if it does not result the way that I think it should right now, we will be ok with that too. But it does feel a bit like we are stepping forward into something new - definetly something that holds challenges, probably alot more than we are ready for, but we see many reasons to keep going forward.
And so if you do respond to this, you do not need to tell us about all the challenges about adoption. If you have thought of it, I am very sure we have thought of it already. But please DO PRAY for us. For Guidance. For Patience - for example, there are things happening (Ha! like things moving too slowly for my liking!) that might really be God's hand, His timing. For Peace that is bigger than the new Genetic findings. (Genticists might have found the abnormal gene) Dave and I have now sent blood to the states to be tested. With that information comes the possibility of our kids being carriers. I don't want this info to hinder me from living now in Today.....
I think that's all I'm going to write today....and it might be the last time. wow. What a journey it has been. Thank-you SO MUCH for walking it with us...I don't even know the words to thank you adequately for what you did for us....
I think I'll end with my favorite Hymn of the month:) I keep wanting to listen to it over and over. It expresses so much of what I believe as I look back over our journey with Rachel and as we look to the future...We will experience change, many changes of all kinds but He never changes. That is so comforting to this heart of mine."Jesus, Jesus how I trust you. How I proved you o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus. Oh for Grace to trust Him more!"